Box of tricks

AFTERTHOUGHT A. P. HERBERT

NICHOLAS NATTER This is Hot News, London. Tonight we cover a question which has baffled Man for hundreds of years, which puzzled Napoleon and defeated Hitler, the problem of easier communications between England and Europe. At this moment the French President, General de Gaulle, is in conference in Paris with Sir Adrian Dimple, chairman of the Sub-Sea European Link Association, and some of his colleagues. Breathing down his neck is our man Clarence who has a direct line to the studio here. Over now to Clarence Chatt. Are you there, Clarence? Can you hear me? How are things going?

CLARENCE Pretty well, I think, Nick. The atmo- sphere is encouraging, and one or two prelimin- ary points have approached a settlement. NATTER Just what points, could you say, Clar- ence, have been finalised to a preliminary de- gree?

CLARENCE The General raised a preliminary ob- jection to Sir Adrian's frequent references to the English Channel. He said it was the French Channel, and if that was not understood, it would be idle to proceed.

nin-rrEa How did Sir Adrian take that?

cusruNcE He said that, of course, he could not bind anyone else, but for his part he would be happy to call it the French Channel—or why not the Allied Channel? 'Non.' said the General, 'c'est la Manche francaise.'

NATTER I don't think the House of Commons will like that, Clarence. I should whisper a word of warning to Sir Adrian. What else?

CLARENCE They've discussed the key question— on which side of the road shall the traffic drive in the Link? De Gaulle said on the right. How could anyone drive on the left in the French Channel? Sir Adrian, at first, said it must be the left, and it looked like a deadlock. But then he proposed a compromise—a sort of cross-over in mid-Channel. The General, rather stickily, agreed at last: but this, of course, is subject to the engineers.

NATTER That's interesting. I'll call you again, Clarence. It so happens that we have in the studio Mr Amberly Bean—Chief Engineer to Sub-Sea Link. You heard the proposal, Mr Bean? How does it strike you?

BEAN I don't like the sound of it. It would mean a drastic replanning of the whole affair, and add enormously to the cost.

minim Just how much-. do you think, Mr Bean? BEAN Hard to say. Seven figures, certainly, per- haps more.

NATTER And, I suppose, there might be feasi- bility doubts? The criss-cross, if large enough to be effective, might be a challenge to security? BEAN That would have to be considered. NATTER One moment. Clarence? Are you there, Clarence? Clarence. you might whisper to Sir Adrian that in the opinion of his Chief Engineer the criss-cross scheme is wholly impracticable. BEAN I didn't say-

NArre.a And the cost would be prohibitive. He named no figure, but it's clear that fifty million would not be unrealistic.

BEAN I never said— NATTER Off you go, Clarence. All this, Mr Bean, John Wells will be back next week. one can't help thinking, because of the objec- tions of France. But then, is there any real reason why we should drag France into it? BEAN I don't follow.

'vitriol It's always been assumed that the Link —the old Tunnel, as we used to call it—must run between England and France. But is this essential? Why not England and Belgium? Just how strong are the objections to that proposal? BEAN I didn't know— NATTER A tunnel from Essex, say, to Ostend would lead from the industrial heart of Britain to the industrial heart of Europe, without clut- tering up the south-east corner of Kent? BEAN It would be three times as long—and so be more expensive.

NATTER Ah, but you would be saving. I pre- sume, all those millions on the criss-cross arrangement?

BEAN True.

NATTER And, as for you, the longer the tunnel, the longer the job? Ha! One moment. Clarence, are you there, Clarence? How are things now? CLARENCE Not so good, Nick. Sir Adrian slipped out the English Channel again and the General's rather cross.

NATTER Tell Sir Adrian not to worry. His Chief Engineer is all for the Belgian Tunnel.

CLARENCE The what?

NATTER I'll be back, Clarence. Now, it so hap- pens that behind a screen here the Belgian Ambassador is waiting. Your Excellency, it was so good of you to come. Now, sir, in your high position you are familiar of course with the Anglo-Belgian Sub-Sea Communications Scheme?

AMBASSADOR The—?

NATTER The Ostend Tunnel—from Ostend to Essex. The link between Brussels and Birming- ham? The life-line of the Common Market? AMBASSADOR Naturally. This is often in the minds of my advisers.

NATTER Would Belgians, do you think, object to driving on the left through the tunnel? AMBASSADOR This, I feel, should present no in- superable obstacle. But, Mr Natter, we have always thought that the tunnel must be for France. It is not so far.

Ns-rrEit That was a consideration in the early days: but technology has made such strides— and, of course, the water off your coasts is not so deep, I believe? Is there not a case for say- ing that the Anglo-Belgian project has certain practical points of superiority? AMBASSADOR This is conceivable. But the plan has been so long for France that the initiative for a change could hardly come from my coun- try. iss-rrEa I understand that, your Excellency. But suppose a disagreement between France and England—General de Gaulle himself less than lukewarm for the scheme—might it not be Bel- gium's duty to Europe to step into the breach? AMBASSADOR This again would be another thing. NATTER Clarence! Are you there, Clarence? How goes it? CLARENCE Badly. Dimple has told the General about the crop-over, and they're back on which side of the road.

ms-rrEa Not to worry. Tell him the Belgians will be delighted to drive on the left. It makes a change. CLARENCE What is all this about the Belgians? NATTER I told you. The Essex-Ostend Tunnel. The Belgians are mad about it. So is Mr Bean. Tell Sir Adrian he can be as rude as he likes. Ruder the better. 'Bye—Your Excellency, the news is grave. Deadlock, it seems, between

Britain and France. The conference looks like collapsing. Now, sir, in your debates on this magnificent scheme of yours have you con- sidered the cost?

AMBASSADOR Naturally. But in such affairs, like our neighbours the Dutch, we do not too much count the cost. We say 'This ought to be done' and do it.

NATTER Admirable. But—yes, Clarence, what's up?

CLARENCE Everything. Sir Adrian rather lost his temper and told the General everything you said. The conference has broken up.

NATTER Now is the General?

CLARENCE I think he's had a stroke.

NATTER Oh, dear. Well, that's all for tonight. We shall be with you at the same time on Mon- day.