COMPETITION

Aide-mernoire

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1462 you were in- vited to supply a mnemonic poem to help the reader remember some present-day related names or facts.

Memory being what it is, the only mnemonics that are any use are those learnt in childhood, and some of those are precious little use now. I am still stuck with those haunting gender rhymes which were printed at the back of Kennedy's Latin Grammar and occasionally climbed into the foothills of poetry:

And masculine is found to be Hadria, the Adriatic Sea.

Arthur Oliver recalled them amusingly in his piece about Burgess, Blunt and Keynes:

Many more of doubtful sex (Opifex et artifex). . . Merry little traitors we

(Furfur, turtur, vultur, fur)—

Who could guess what shits we were?

Your contributions included memory aids to such far-flung facts as the basic rules of boardsailing, the Spectator's postal code, the signatories of the Warsaw Pact and nine varieties of bean — and of course there was an 'Aids-memoire'. In distribut- ing the prize money I have interpreted 'mnemonic' pretty broadly. Noel Petty gets £15 and the bonus bottle of gin, the gift of Mr William Topham, and the other win- ners get £10 or £6 depending on whether they produced more or less than eight lines.

The New Welsh Counties Gwynedd's the one in the top left-hand corner, With not too much flora and even less fauna. Clwyd is the next one along on the right; It wisely stops short of the Merseyside blight. Dyfed's the one with the snout sticking out, A long way from England and madly devout. Powys is inland, and runs all the way From the wilds in the North to the bookshops of Hay. Then, lining the channel to Severn's wide mouth, We find three Glamorgans named West, Mid and South.

And down bottom right at the farthest extent The one that was more or less Monmouth is Gwent.

(Noel Petty) Ever had a mental blank Arriving at the Autobank? Ever racked your brain in vain While standing in the pouring rain?

The treatment for this common curse is

CUSTOMISED MNEMONIC VERSES!

For only £4.99 You too can have recall like mine: For tasty tea (3) You must make sure (4) To let it brew (2) Before you pour (4).

Your banking blues can soon be righted! Money back if not delighted!

Orders, do the Spectator, By April 31st, no later.

Said the Eccles Cake to the Brussels Sprout, 'Let's share a glass of Dublin Stout.' Said the Greek E to the French Letter, (David Cram)

'A shot of Port would be much better.'

Said the Flying Dutchman to the Gloomy Dane, 'I'm for a sail on the Spanish Main.' 'We'll come with you; that sounds grand,' Said Roman Candle and German Band.

Now if you've read me properly, You've named the whole of the EEC. Hey!' cried Luxembourg. 'What about me?' 'Hush,' said the others, 'don't get touchy. You're not a country — just a Duchy.'

(Gerard Benson) Shadocab Hail Kinnock, PM, Socialist supernova (Till Livingstone's chosen perhaps to take over), And hail Foreign Secretary, old Uncle Denis, An eminence somewhat plus grise than is Glenys. Hail Chancellor Hattersley, huffing and puffing More often than not about little or nuffing, And hail Denzil Davies, whose line on Defence is Sufficient to prove him bereft of his senses. Home Secretary, hail! Clever Kaufman's preferred, But should he, one wonders, be seen and not Hurd?

Hail, Energy's none-too-inspiring Stan Orme, For whom Sizewell B is the eye of the storm:

Hail, Social Security boss — but will Meacher's Compassion extend to Conservative creatures? All hail to this bagful of birds of a feather: John Smith (T & I)'s worth them all put together. (Peter Hadley) Squeeze the juice and slice the rind, Chuck the pith, but bear in mind Pips tied in a muslin net Cause the marmalade to set.

Leave fruit soaking overnight - One pint per each orange, right?

Simmer for an hour or more Till it softens. Are you sure?

Sugar: for each pint one pound, Add on low heat, stir it round.

Patience now till all the grains Have dissolved — not one remains.

Now boil fast. Put jars to warm Test for set (a skin will form When you drop some on a plate).

Rest it, then pot up and date. (Jermyn Thynne) Connection Direction Up there in green and yellow stripe Lurks E, a downright earthy type; Below him, cool in Cambridge blue, Lives N, a neutral through and through; While opposite in sober brown Sits L, the liveliest lad in town.

(Philip A. Nicholson) The Times may Telegraph its punches, Express and Sun provide free lunches, The Guardian follows all the trends, The Mirror seeks to make new friends, The Mail, Financial Times and Star Scatter editions near and far.

Each and all attempt to sway The Independent man Today. (J. Hennigan) Which of Regan and Reagan is sleazier?

Who knows? But the spelling test's easier: The Actor is saddled With two 'a's — for Addled, And Arms Aid Approved by Amnesia.

(Moyra Blyth)