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COMPETITION

Mock heroics

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1902 you were invited to write iambic rhyming couplets in a mock heroic manner describing, in the wake of Mr Major's deliverance of a gold- fish from sunstroke, a contemporary politi- cian's gallant rescue of an animal.

`Don't give them subjects to do with poli- tics — they tend to lose their sense of humour there' was the warning given to me by my predecessor, Charles Seaton, when I nervously took on the role of magister ludo- rum. He couldn't have been more wrong as far as this week is concerned, whose theme was encapsulated by D. A. Prince's motor- way drama:

Though mighty Carriageways to Chaos roll, And Titans fall, yet Gummer saves his Vole.

I make space for the greatest number of winners who will fit in: £20 to each of them, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura an, especially for a wonderful last line.

Behold how prescient pressmen congregate! How could they know a minister of state Would shortly pass this way to take the air? For it is she into whose tender care We place our heritage, our cultural wealth, Quondam curatrix of our national health. Virginia stoops and looks towards the ground. Two dozen eager newsmen gather round. What's this? A fledgling tumbled from the nest! She scoops it up, she lifts it to her breast, And in her brassiere enfolds the chick. Life-saving warmth she gives, as cameras click. A tiny cheep proclaims the bird will live. Oh, nc'er did garment such true uplift give! Four tardy lensmen fear their journey vain. How graciously she saves the bird again!

(Keith Norman) The UN Council wrangled, postured, frowned. A lone, lost bee began to buzz around. Immediate panic swept the world's elite: Germany flailed, Italy beat retreat, France swatted Russia, who repelled pro rata By felling China with the UN charter. From out this melee of less happy lands Rose Douglas Hurd, our safest pair of hands. With upturned glass he caught the bee in flight, Strode to the door, and loosed it to the light. 'This bee', he said, 'purposed no hostile landing;

It needed not but understanding. But mark this: nations need not think hereby That Britain would not hurt a hostile fly.' The playing fields of Eton thus once more Preserved the world from tyranny and war.

(Noel Petty) A young chameleon, bewildered quite, Was lost upon a field of black and white, A chessboard pattern of some vast extent, So everywhere the hapless creature went It could not find a place whereon to rest And soon, exhausted, lost its vital zest, pp- And would have died but, haply, Bowis came, (He has some job in Health, you'll know the name) And, fatly smiling, laid a carpet blue, Saying, 'Lie there, poor creature. This will do To simplify your problem; now you'll live.' Then, getting no response, went on, 'We give Such simple remedies on the NHS To every patient, thus avoiding stress. Stress is the killer; folk are best in stupor Except, of course, for those who are in BUPA.'

(John Sweetman)

`Stay, Beadle, stay! Brother, thou must abhor The full exaction of the Tories' law! Release yon Rottweiler! I swear the hound No more shall slay the postman on his round! Look how he trembles in thy grip for fear!' Scarce could the Beadle quell the starting tear— 'You take him, Sir, for I am one as feels No love for what he does.' At Skinner's heels The grateful cur pursued; nor did he tire Till safe at Dennis' cot in Derbyshire, For — natural sympathy requires no speech Their hearts alike responded, each to each.

Bold Traveller! that strays from the South-east, Pause, read: `Bolsover Towers — Beware the Beast.' (Alyson Nikiteas) Sampling the Pleasures of the Morning Air, Lord Tebbit heard a Polecat in a Snare. `What! Shall I let a Fellow-creature strangle?' He cried, and straightway sought the Beast t'untangle.

Heedless alike of Teeth and choking Pong, He struggl'd and unloos'd the strictur'd Thong. The Beast, demented by his recent Fear, Shot up his Sleeve and bit him on the Ear Well Tebbit knew the nature of the Fitchew; When you did it some Good it turned and bit

you!

From this the Moralist two Truths extends: The first — that even a Foumart may have Friends; Second, the proudest Peer that struts in Ermine Stoops at some Risk to help the lesser Vermin. (John E. Cunningham) High in that lofty place, the House of Lords, As all within were crossing verbal swords,

Sudden alarm was raised. A feathered pet Lay trapped and wounded on the parapet. Then up spoke bold Lord Tebbit: 'Let me try To save the day. I really think that I Can reach the bird, although it's near the edge; I'm good at heights, I'll brave that narrow ledge.' He doffed his jacket and his tie and shoes, Stood tall, a fine example for my Muse Of dauntless English manhood. Then he left The safety of the window and, with deft Abseiling skills and perfect balance, he Approached the budgie, set the poor thing free. He shouted ere he fell from off that shelf, `I used to be a flyer once myself.'

(Manna Blake)

No, 1905: Rhyme gone awry

You are invited to begin with one or two opening lines of a nursery rhyme and then go off the rails and reach an unexpected or very modern conclusion. Maximum eight lines and two submissions. Entries to 'Com- petition No. 1905' by 26 October.