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12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

COMPETITION

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

Songlines

Tom Castro

In Competition No. 1693 you were asked to provide a company song for The Specta- tor or some other newspaper.

Though many of you were insufficiently rousing in your celebration of corporate identity, I was tempted to award a prize to Paul Slade, whose song for the Sun began "Ere we go' and continued identically for another 14 lines. Not so near the mark were those of you who acted the sycophant to the dear old Spec itself. And what odd ideas of us here in Doughty Street you seem to entertain. Some pictured us as more monastic than the old Blackfriars of Printing House Square. One entrant had Jeffrey Bernard sipping at a half of Guin- ness — not a bevvy I've seen him sink this many a long year.

The papers that proved most popular for your lyrical commemoration were the Sun, the Sport, the Telegraph, the Guardian and the Daily Mirror. Perhaps the Express, Mail and Today are too absorbing or too numbing to inspire the songsmiths. By the way, my Own school song was entitled Caiinen Wimbledonensis', by which you may judge the kind of school.

The prizewinners below get £14 a head, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes td Noel Petty for his slightly defensive chorale for the Sunday Times.

The Sunday Times

(Time: 'The Church's One Foundation') We are the Sunday papers,

We are, we are, we are..

We crush the breeds who ape us

By sheer avoirdupois.

Our Bible-sized editions Bring guidance from on high,

On all TV transmissions.

Froin Sky to shining Sky.

We feed all whims and fashions That modern life dictates, Frorti files on styles to passions For fancy number-plates. To tall us barrel-scrapers Is utterly bizarre:

We are the Sunday papers We are, we ore, Wt. ARE.

Daily Telegraph

Let us be positive! Let us be bright! We are the voice of the modern-day Right! We've clinibed down a rung on the social scale,

And learnt a few things from the Daily Mail.

We've features on sex to attract the C2's, Prize emiipetitions with obvious clues, Glamorous pictures and spicy stories, Articles aimed at suburban Tories.

We used to run grim, supercilious leaders Causing distress to some sensitive readers; Now we adopt a more soothing style Balanced, objective, devoid of bile.

We've ditched Peter Simple, that gloomy old bore, (Noel Petty) And signed up the nonchalant Auberon Waugh; One has to adapt to one's customers' needs. We've come a long way since the time of Bill Deedes.

(A. C. Bowden) (Tune: Hymns A & M, 255) The Church Times' dedication Is to the First Estate - The chosen publication Of the episcopate: We're sound on Church investments, Stipends and deity fees, On furnishings and vestments, Chorale and liturgies.

Topics of disputation Our management resists - Like transubstantiation Or if Old Nick exists: Synod on Resurrection, Durham on Virgin Birth, We treat with circumspection And keep our feet on Earth.

(Ralph Sadler) The Spectator God save our gracious mag, Confound our rival rag, God save our mag; Since 182.8, Balanced and literate, Such is our happy fate, God save our mag.

We love books, art and wine, Won't toe the party line, View life complete; Save us from Maxwell's paws, And Murdoch's slav'ring jaws, Doughty in freedom's cause In Doughty Street. (Stanley J. Sharpless) The Sun All we want is some doom somewhere, Jumbo crash or a new AIDS scare, They grieve, you gloat, we care, Oh, wouldn't it be guttery?

One more chance to denounce the gays, Lavish Thatcher with fulsome praise, Vent xenophobic brays, Oh, wouldn't it be guttery? Oh, so guttery, stories needn't always be quite true. We'd be happy titillating totally brainless you. All we want is Prince Andrew's bum, Close-up photos of Prince Di's turn. We thrive while you stay dumb, Oh, wouldn't it be guttery? Guttery? Guttery? (Tim Hopkins) This is the very model of a journal intellec- tual With articles on many things and all of them effectual.

We know the inside story of all happenings political And analyse them stringently while not unfairly critical. We even on occasion cause the downfall of a minister Entirely by interview employing nothing sinister, And when it comes to judges we have been the beneficiary Of injudicious comment from a lord of the justiciary.

We give on ballet, music, art, our well- informed opinions, Compare financial doings to the antics at St Trinians.

We mention our misgivings at an architect's monstrosity And though supported by the Prince do so without pomposity.

We do not always criticise but show our creativity By publishing small verses of remarkable sterility.

So The Spectator carries on, reviewer and inquisitor, Corrected fairly frequently by Letters to the Editor.

(D. Shepherd)