YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. As private secretary to the ambassador of a foreign country, it is necessary to spend a lot of time in His Excellency's company. Indeed, we often breakfast together and dine in the evening. The manner in which the ambassador tackles his food is becom- ing alarming. A mild description would include the hideous chomping noises, the gaping mouth, belching, grunting, spitting and licking of each utensil or digit after he has used it. He is rude to those who wait on him at table, and will frequently shout down his interlocutor when the urge to speak grips him. His Excellency is of peas- ant stock, but sadly his native dignity and commonsense have been ruined by many years spent in the diplomatic service. He is of a people renowned for their culture and style, an amiable and elderly man who has spent most of his life in the service of his country. I do not wish to upset him. How best then to alert him to the growing chink in his diplomatic armour?
Name withheld, London
A. Nip along to the media studies depart- ment of your local school, and suggest that should any of the sixth-formers be interest- ed in making a short video film study of the diplomatic life for purely work experience purposes, then your own ambassador would be only too happy to co-operate by allowing himself to be filmed as a means of promoting understanding and general goodwill between this country and your own. The camera could show him going about his daily business — considering state papers, interacting with other digni- taries and, of course, entertaining at table. Perhaps, you can add, it might even be interesting while the students were at it to film one or two other ambassadors doing exactly the same things, for comparative purposes? In fact — you have had a better idea. Why do the sixth-formers not make a little film called Diplomatic Dining, where- by three different ambassadors are filmed
at table so as to highlight the fascinating cultural differences in foodstuffs served, traditional costumes worn etc? Once your own Excellency has seen filmed evidence of the bestiality you mention, contrasted, no doubt, with the elegance of rival diplomats, there should be no need for you to take further action.
Q. I am a married lady in my late twenties and have no children. During the past year, acquaintances and even some relations have begun pestering me with nosy ques- tions of the 'when are you going to start a family?' variety. I feel strongly that procre- ation plans are the business of no one but the couple involved, but I lack the guts to tell people off. Is there a polite but vague response which will a) allow me to avoid gisiing the inquisitor any information, and b) make it difficult or impossible for him or her to ask again?
Name withheld, London NW5
A. Next time you are asked this insensitive question, give a short but pensive laugh and say, 'Do you know, it's extraordinary, you're the third person today to ask me that question and I never know what to reply!'
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