15 AUGUST 1958, Page 9

Mr. Dooley on Indirect Aggression

WELL,' said Mr. Hennessy, 'we've put a stop to it at last.' `We have, thank God,' said Mr. Dooley. `What?'

'In-di-reck aggresshun,' said Mr. Hennessy proudly.

`That's not the kind we have round the Dooley home,' said Mr. Dooley. 'How do they throw it?'

`Ye don't understand me,' said Mr. Hennessy. 'In-di-reck aggresshun• is the latest sthratejy of th' Reds, an' Jawn Fosther has it bet. Th' Marines is the answer to that crowd, sez he—in with them. An' that was that.'

'It was indeed,' said Mr. Dooley. 'Where exackly are they, be th' way?'

`I heard on the radio,' said Hennessy, 'B. Route, they're on, on their way to fight th' Ruses.'

`They'ye th' right plan there,' said Mr. Dooley. 'Them lids is divils for in-di-reck aggresshun. But ye know, Hinnissy, mebbe it's just that I'm an old man now, somehow I can't help thinkin' McKinley, or even Teddy Roosevelt, had a bether idea iv what to do with th' Marines. In thim days when I was in my prime, if the naytives of some furrin counthry was engagin' in on-American activities, th' President would call in the Ginr'al or th' Admiral or whatever they have in th' Marines, and he'd say, "Well, George, here's th' flag an' here's a Bible, an' there's a map of th' Ph'lipeens. Go there, run up th' flag an' if anyone spakes to ye give him the Bible with me com- pliments. If he objecks to that give him a poke in the eye for interferin' with th' spread of th' Christian religion an' malthreatin' American citi- zens engaged in th' peaceful task of removin' his possesshuns." That was Mac. But as f'r lawn Fosther'— `Jawn's all right,' said Mr. Hennessy stoutly. `Ike sez he has a remarkable intelleck.'

`That's just what I'm afraid of,' said Mr. Dooley, 'because th' Marines have not. Jawn, y'see; calls in th' top man in th' Marines an' he sez : "Listen here," sez he. "Ye know th' Leppinnon? 'Tis a small peaceful counthry that's in th' middle iv a civil war. Leastways 'tis not a civil war but a crule invasion carried out be th' ruthless announcers out of the Cairo Radio, with the assistance iv th' Marinated Pathriarch an' one or two others who may or may not be a majority of th' Leppinese people. D'ye follow me?"

"I'm with ye annyway," sez th' Maririe, "where do I find this pathriot till I maroon him for ye once an' for all?"

"Hold on a minnit," sez Jawn Fosther, who is a very conscientious man. "I want ye to be sure now ye ondherstand iv'ry detail iv y'r assignment. Ye're to go in there to uphold the lawful authority iv me loyal friend Prisident Shampoo, while Bob Murphy is puttin th' skids undher him for me. Ye are on no account to intervene in th' intairnal affairs iv th' counthry, which consist mainly of a war, but we are to put down in-di-reck aggresshun with an iron hand if ye happen to see it. If anywan shoots ye ye can 'shoot back, but ye're not to hit them. There is, however, wan complicatin' facthor."

' "I was afraid of that," sez the Marine.

" 'Tis the United Nashens," sez the Secretary. "They have Obsairvers in th' Leppinon to make sure that no foreign forces move in."

-If they thry to stop us," sers the Marine, "we'll blow them to Hell. Niver you fear."

"No, no, no," sez the Secretary. "We're not against them. We only want to strengthen their hand against their will. Good luck to ye now." ' `Well, anyway,' said Mr. Hennessy, 'John Fosther knows what he's doin'.'

`Granted he does,' said Mr. Dooley, 'but do the Marines? Imagine yerself set down in the Leppinon, with Jawn's words to guide ye. As ye make yeer way through the sthreets of the belay- guered but insideeyus capital ye suddenly come on what Inks like two A-arabs shootin' at each other. Both the little villyuns luk exackly alike to. you. But ye have ye'er insthructions an' ye are detairmined to carry thim out, once ye know what they mane. So you go up to the near A-arab. "Excuse me, Sir," sez you, "but would ye be any chanst be engaging in in-di-reck aggresshun?"

"Indireck?" sez the A-arab. "There'd be nothin' indireck about it, if that coward down there wud come out from behind his sandbag. He is a supporter of thraitor Shampoo who is in the pay of the Yanks. Give us a cigarette."

'So. Hinnissy, you go down t' the other end of the sthreet t' join th' good guy. "Me friend," sez you, "can I be iv any assistance t' th' Leppinese Army in its glorious task of suppressin' in-di-reck aggresshun?" "Naw," sez the second A-arab. "That fella down there," he sez, "wud get yer goat all the same lettin' on to be a pathriot and firin' at the Army."

"Ah," sez you, hot on the thrack of the in-di- reck stuff : "So he's not a pathriot at all, eh?"

"Iv coorse he's not a pathriot," sez th' A-arab. "Is his brother Ahmed a pathriot, that sells Pepsi- Cola t' th' Yanks? All that fella wants is a job undher the Govermint as soon as we get rid of that oul' villyun, Shampoo."

"What's wrong with Shampoo?" sez you. "Isn't he on our side?"

"Shampoo is a thraitor," sez the A-arab. "In th' pay iv the Yanks. Have ye a cigarette at all?"' `Well, Hinnessy,' said Mr. Dooley, after a pause, 'in that sitchuation how exackly wud you set about safeguardin' the integgerity an' in- dependence iv th' Leppinnon?'

'I'd knock their heads togither,' said Mr. Hen- nessy with conviction, 'the ongrateful little divils.'

`Well,' said Mr. Dooley thoughtfully, 'at least ye have a policy that can be carried out be the Marines. Ye're one up on Jawn, Hinnissy.'