Low life
Assault course
Jeffrey Bernard
There was a time, round about 1965, that 1 enjoyed the tremendous sexual success that I imagine the likes of Taki experience consistently and constantly. It was a vintage year. Women seemed to be incapable of pronouncing the word 'no'. Since then however I have tasted the bitterness of rejection more times than I care to remember. The roundabouts have not compensated for the swing losses. In spite of that my frustrations have not compelled me to follow in the footsteps of Abdel Brim Talal, a young Moroccan, who was arrested on the Greek island of Tinos last week after he had sexually assaulted a pelican. He's up before the beak next week. The pelican in question was one of two males on the island and he was called Marcos. He was found wounded last Friday in a public lavatory and a veterinarian's examination showed that he had been sexually assaulted by Mr Talal who later attempted to rape two German tourists. To add insult to injury local pelican lovers intend to have Marcos stuffed.
All of this was in the Guardian, a paper 1 have taken seriously until now. So seriously, in fact, I have been unable to take it at all. But it got me thinking, and I've been wondering if the itch got as irritating as It must have been for Mr Talal, what animal I'd rent my rage on. Certainly not a pelican. I. can envisage a cuddle and a post-coital cigarette with a bear or a neurotic nailbiting tiger but not a pelican. I may be mistaken but I'm sure there was a time when Winchester County Court was chock-a-block with men who'd been accused of raping sheep. One of them came up With the most amazing plea. He said he had mistaken the sheep in question for a WREN wearing a sheepskin coat. Of course, any Judge in his right mind would have asked him did WRENS make a habit of wearing sheepskin coats inside out but as far as I can remember no judge was in his right mind. I suppose that if I was so desperate that I had to sexually assault a mink I'd plead that I nustook it for a racehorse owner's wife. In some ways I can sympathise with Mr Talal. After all there's a tremendous shortage of material that can be sexually assaulted. Miss Right has a tedious habit of uniting With Mr Right, and I suppose it's not often that one can bump into an unattached pelican. I fear the whole thing can be catching. The pigeon that sits on my window-box of geraniums is giving me some strange looks, although it must by now realise I have a preference for racehorses. But what about pudding? What about dessert? After a main course of pelican Mr T. alal attempted two German tourists. Judging by most of the Germans I've met I should have thought one would have been quite enough. Sheer greed on Mr Telal's part. No, after my bear no wonder they're called grizzly — I think a couple of American tourists carrying American Express cards would round off the day's assault course quite nicely. Not so prudish are some of the customers of the Coach and Horses where I conducted a survey last night into which animals a desperate man might assault. Conan Nicholas opted for a zebra, the only horse he has Yet to back, while Jeremy, yes, still barred from the Queen's Elm, laid claim to a leopard. Tom Baker says he'd like to save Whales but we don't know what for. What does worry me a little about my bear is the business of hibernation. I mean, you wouldn't cavil at a one night stand with a bear but if you had your bear in early December you could be lumbered with it until March. A pelican, when all is said and done,is a much more disposable animal.
And now we must wonder what on earth a pelican was doing in such an idyllic place as Tinos. Was it a mere tourist like the Germans who nearly suffered a similar fatal fate or had the late Marcos simply strayed from the precincts of St James's Park? Referring to Lawrence Durrell's book on the Greek Islands in an attempt to clarify matters I read that Tinos, being so central in the Cyclades, has had more to do with corsairs and marauders than other islands.
So it is with considerable sadness that one roust reflect that previous pelicans must have suffered Marcos's fate. Never trust a Moroccan with a penchant for pelicans.
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