SPECTATOR COMPETITION No.

42

Report by Richard Usborne

The manufacturers of Christmas crackers get hold of some hauntingly undistinguished epigrams for their enrolled mottoes- e.g., 'Your mind is like a parachute : it's no use unless it's open." A prize of £5 was offered for the best set of six such epigrams. Finish the following : "Life is like a policeman's helmet. . . . Life is like a Bible. . . . Life is like Noel Coward. . . . Love is like a flying saucer. . . . Love is like mother's knitting. . . . Love is like Mr. Vyshinsky. . ."

The operative word was "hauntingly." But the difficulty in judging, as I had feared, was to give,each indistinguished offering time to haunt me, if it was going to, *ithout (a) its destroying the haunting potential of its predecessors, and (b) its having its h.p. destroyed by its successors. I am easily haunted, but my hope of finding something good enough to give me a few days of fluttering eyelid, or heartburn after meals, was dashed. I became haunt-proof, dam.mit„after reading the first two or three sets sent in. I hope I have properly judged offerings which could have haunted me had they stood alone. I have not applied very strictly the test of whether the messages are, in other respects, suitable for Christmas crackers.

In categories, here are some of the better suggestions: Life is like a Policeman's Helmet : It's always going on ahead (a head) (E. W. Fordham). Under it there is a heart on the beat (E. P. Stanham). The older you get the less you snatch at it (A. D. C. Peterson). No good without the strap (Valerie Ranzetta) (!). It covers a lot of arresting thoughts (P. R. L.). It is more supportable if part of it is taken on the chin (Joyce Johnson). When finished , with it means promotion (F. D. Merralls). It's mostly under a boss (E. F. G. Haig). Youth must seize it with both hands (George Morton). It can change direction at the spin of a copper (Miss B. Neuburger). It's made hard with a purpose (Leslie Johnson). The bigger the understanding the better (W. M. L. Escombe). It's hard, but has a peak in front of it (Mrs. Given). It rests on authority (Mrs. J. E. Newman) It's hard, but it must go on (F. R. Barratt). It only changesits shape when a woman comes into it (D.). It can be full of P.C. (peace), but not always arrest (a rest) (R A. Cooper). You knock it off at your peril. (R. J.. P. Hewison).

Life is like a Bible : It is a bit thick (Mrs. D. Fergusson). To many it's a closed book (Major Roscow. Numerous variations on this). Epistles lead to Revelations (Douglas Hawson). It's often difficult to find one's place in it (W. M. Mathieson) It's nice in Morocco (George Morton) (Ouch !). From Genesis to Revelations, but there is no revised version (R. A. Cooper. Many variants on this). Its full of lessons (R. J. P. Hewison. Ditto).

Life is like Noel Coward : Bitter Sweet (Many and various plays with play-names). It thrives in America (D. Clarke). It burns with a hard M.G.M.-like flame (Graeme Wilson). One damn sing after another (W. M. S. Escombe).

Love is like a Flying Saucer : The more you read about it, the more you believe in it (A. D. C. Peterson). It is explained in the Sunday papers (Graeme Wilson and passim). It's all in the air, but it catches the drips (R. S. Stanier). So Gerald Heard (Michael Langley). Over in a flash (N. Parker).

Love is like Mother's Knitting : Casting off can be difficult (Jason, and variants from others). The plain ones don't come purlers (E. P. Stanham). You will always find the pattern in women's magazines (D. Clarke. But this is a shade distinguished). It's found in the strangest places (Miss Muriel Linton, and many variants).. Looks simple enough, but there is many a take-in (S. M. Groves). It may begin with a ball and end in an entanglement (Douglas Hawson). One little row after another (Goodman Shopper and variants). Click, Click (Leslie Johnson). It keeps you warm and gives you a funny feeling (Harford Jones). It can carry on in the dark (J. C.). Just one darned affair after another. (C. D. Stacey). It begins on the sofa and ends up we know not where (John Blanchard). No sooner is the old cast off, it's on with the new (M. L. Cozens). Liable to give you the needle (Guy Innes).

Love is like Mr. Vyshinsky : It thrives on refusals (Mrs. D. Fergusson and many variints). It's full of red herrings (Kenneth Braine-Hartnell). Red hot (A. Hamilton). Walking out is an early symptom of both (J. E. Richardson). It lies too deep for words (F. D. Merralls). Longs to be " left " all alone (Philip Kershaw). There is sin behind the grin (E. F. G. Haig). It is the nose (no's) that gets-in the way (Graeme Wilson). The answer's a Lenin, but it gets no Marx (R. S. Stanier). On the ayes (eyes) proposing, the upturned no's (nose) so oft reject (Dennis Barry). He has a soft spot for Mr. Wu (woo) (Michael Langley) (Ooh ! ).

A first prize of £3 goes to the Rev P. A. Schofield, and a second prize of £2 to G. J. Mapplebeck. Proxime to Harford Jones for a hauntingly head level of.indistinction. This is special praise.

FIRST PRIZE (Rev. P. A. Schofield)

I. Life is like a policeman's helmet : It requires a firm thin and a basis of law.

2. Life is like a Bible : A man and a woman alone together, and ultimately revelations.

3. Life is like Noel Coward : It starts as a feast and ends in funk.

4. Love is like a Flying Saucer : _No earthly good without a spoon.

5. Love is like mother's knitting : A woolly affair in which every purl is beyond price.

6. Love is like Mr. Vyshinsky : It should not be reasoned with, but taken as red.

SECOND PRIZE (G. J. Mapplebeck)

I. Life is like a policetnan's helmet : Its peak is insignificant, compared with the dome above.

2. Life is like a Bible : It begins with Genesis and ends with a full -stop.

3. Life is like Noel Coward : Full of dialogue and situations, and much depending on the favour of the gods.

4. Love is like a Flying Saucer : It prefers not to come down to earth.

5. Love is like mother's knitting : It is begun with enthusiasm, but seldom survives the first three rows.

6. Love is like Mr. Vyshinsky : It possesses a logic of its own and is proof against all persuasion..