Westminster Corridors
Never have I witnessed such scenes of prep. school high spirits as gripped Tory MPs upon the Announcement that Master Heath had been toppled from his perch by Mistress Thatcher. Devout Loyalists, of but a few moments previously, declared that they had been secret rebels for nigh on a twelvemonth; and courtiers and well-wishers of the deposed monarch, though greatly in evidence that day at luncheon, were on a sudden as scarce as foreign currency in the Bank of England; and the air was loud with assertions that True Conservatism had too long been absent from the land, that Good Queen Bess had been the Nation's most valiant and trusty ruler — which had too long been o'erlooked — and similar notions. Even the hacks and scribblers of Grub Street were overborne by these vapours and, having been admitted into the presence of Mistress Thatcher and favoured with a smile, blushed prettily.
Amused by this fresh evidence of the effects upon human affairs of a change of fortune — for the Frenchman Voltaire has rightly remarked that Life is a Comedy to those who think — I strolled into the Central Lobby of Westminster where an astounding sight met my eyes. Clad in moleskin trousers (themselves secured below the knee by lengths of twine), ungainly wooden clogs in the Lancashire style, an ancient tunic strengthened by many a cloth and leathern patch, and a workman's cap surmounting the whole, Master Whitelaw stood in the midst of cronies, placemen. toadies etc (many of whom bore an uncanny resemblance to those who had, till a few moments before, habitually attended Master Heath). Observing me aghast. Master Whitelaw approached.
"Where there's muck there's brass. lad." he explained. "Yon's a gradely lass. but •appen I'll be the one to lead the party at end o' day. As Lancashire goes. so goes the nation. Think on't. lad." And, knocking out his clay pipe on a shoe. but his practice being ill, he set fire briefly to one moleskin trouser.
Yet my attention was distracted from this accident by an ear-splitting and horrible sound. which, it transpired, was a rendition of the celebrated musical ballad — 'The Fishermen of England'. Preceded by his singing, as by a foghorn, Master Prior hove into view, his feet planted firmly in gumboots, his honest features concealed beneath a sou'wester, and the remainder of his form encased in capacious oilskins.
"Ahoy there, landlubber." he addressed me familiarly. "What better leader for an Island Race than the Member for Lowestoft? Not too northern, not too southern, not too right, not too left, not too clever, not too stupid, altogether mediocre, that is, moderate. Oh cheer up me lads, 'tis to glory we steer." And, still singing, he passed on. Upon hearing that Master Peyton was nigh, at the head of a pack of hounds, I fled to the Strangers' Bar, wherein I found my old friend, Doctor Cosgrave, deep in conversation with a bespectacled gentleman of serious aspect. "Notwithstanding," he began — for 'twas Master Rees-Mogg of the Times newspaper — "that there has been a great upheaval in our affairs, yet it may transpire that little has altered except the surface. Released from the cares and troubles of leadership, Master Heath will now be able to take a more fruitful interest in the affairs of the Tory Party, to influence the direction of its thinking from the ease of the backbenches. and to prevent it, above all, from being tempted along the rightward path, excepting in the matter of the gold standard which all men of good sense favour. Wherefrom it follows that the new Leader of the Tories must be one acceptable to Master Heath — or since none but himself may be thus described, at least not wholly disliked by him. Is not Master Whitelaw the obvious choice?"
"No, Sir, he is not," responded the Sage with no little acerbity. "If the Tories have had done with the puppet-master, why should they support the puppet? And if they seek a radical change, let them select the leader most unacceptable to Master Heath so as to ensure
that his influence will carry the least weight. Leadership. Sir. is not to he exercised by proxy."
Tom Puzzle
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