YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. In submitting a first novel to a well- known literary agency I acknowledged the useful advice on presentation given in a book recently published by one of its direc- tors. I was neither surprised nor offended by the subsequent rejection, but was some- what disconcerted by the offer — at a dis- count — of the very book to which I had referred. This would seem to suggest that the enclosures received just about as much attention as my covering letter. Assuming this suspicion is justified, how could I make it plain that I am aware of this without giv- ing the impression of professional pique?
P.J., Stoke Bliss, Worcs.
A. Blandly order a copy of the director's book. On receipt send it straight back explaining that there must be some mistake as you already have a copy of this book — indeed, you had even referred, in the cover- ing letter sent with your manuscript, to hav- ing followed its guidelines. Are you correct in assuming, therefore, that your rejected novel had been muddled up with that of another author who had not followed these guidelines? In the light of this likely error you are resubmitting the novel for their kind attention.
Q. Several worried people have contacted me in recent weeks with a problem of mod- ern manners, alas, all too common in the fast-moving world of radio. They all appeared as so-called 'witnesses' on The Moral Maze — potentially a daunting expe- rience, even for the most worldly and articu- late. What might easily have been an ordeal, though, was made into a richly rewarding experience thanks to the olde-worlde charm and elaborate courtesy of Dr David Starkey, one of the regular panellists. The problem is that the structure of the programme made it impossible for them to express their grati- tude at the time. What would be the most appropriate way to let him know how they feel about him? He himself has spoken of a 'whip-round', but they are not sure what he means by this. Mary, please help!
M.B., BBC A. Why not take a leaf out of the book of the Literary Review's annual Bad Sex party and throw a Moral Maze Good Behaviour party (with possible sponsorship from a
non-alcoholic drinks manufacturer)? A celebrity guest, such as Terry Waite per- haps, should present the award to Dr David Starkey for the good manners he has exem- plified during the course of the previous year. The guest-list should be made up largely of those who have had personal interaction with Dr Starkey throughout the year, a throng through which he should have to shoulder as he makes his way across the room and up to the stage to receive his prize.
Q. I have recently had the plaster removed from a badly broken right wrist. Although the wrist looks perfectly normal, it is still very painful to touch and could easily be damaged by a sudden tug or shake. What is the correct procedure when a person unaware of the injury advances towards me with outstretched hand intent on demon- strating their superiority by means of a vice-like handshake? Making excuses seems rather pathetic, while offering the left hand causes confusion all round.
R.F., Sydney, Australia A. Buy a Hell's-Angel-style ring with spikes or knuckle-dusting equipment sticking out of it. Keep this in your pocket for use at parties. 'Careful of the ring!' you can quip pleasantly as you stretch your hand forward in greeting.
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