THE TELEPHONE

By MICHAEL ZOSHCHENKO

YOU might be interested to know, citizens, that I had a telephone installed a few weeks ago. Because, you see, in our businesslike days, you're quite crippled without a telephone.

There are so many things one can do with a telephone : to have a chat with a friend, for instance, or to ring up some place or other.

It's true, of course, that one doesn't know many places one could ring up. On the other hand, our rising prosperity etcetera. . . . After all, we are no longer living in the year 1919. One should understand this.

In 1919 we had to go without food, to say nothing of telephones, and thought little of it !

And now you can have a telephone installed in your own room for five roubles—a mere trifle ! Marvellous progress ! You can use it or not—just as you please. No one minds what you do, as long as you pay the rent for it.

When I had it installed, my neighbours disapproved at first.

" And if it rings in the middle of the night, what then ? "

But they calmed down soon enough, because, to tell you the truth, it did not ring at all. Neither at night, nor in the day time. Of course, I gave my number to everyone I knew, asking them to ring me up. But, as it happens, most of my friends are, unfortunately, non-party persons, and seldom have the chance to touch a telephone.

However, I cannot say I've completely wasted the money I paid for the installation and rent. The other day I had an occasion to use the telephone on a very important and serious business.

It was Sunday. I was sitting in my room and staring at the telephone, thinking how grand it looked fixed up on my desk. All of a sudden it began to ring. It gave me quite a shock. And it rang and rang, as if it would never stop. " Goodness ! " I said to myself, " all this for my money ? "

At last I lifted the receiver cautiously and asked : " Hullo ! Where is this from ? "

" This," a voice answered, " is a telephone call for you." " Whatever has happened ? " said I. " And who, excuse my asking, is at the telephone ? "

" It's a perscin with whom you are well acquainted," answered the voice. " There's an urgent matter he wants to discuss with you Will you please come immediately to a beer shop on the corner of Posadskaia Street ? "

" Have you ever heard such a thing ! " I said to myself. " Isn't he grand ? Suppose I had no telephone, what would he do then ? He'd have to trundle along in a tram to find me here."

" Hullo," I said again, " And who is this person, and what business does he want to discuss ? "

But there was no answer to this, and the telephone was dead-silent.

" Of course, all this will be explained at the beer shop," thought I. So I put my coat on as quickly as I could, and ran down- . stairs, I ran all the. way to the beer shop. Although it was rather early. in the day, the shop was crowded, but there wasn't a soul I knew. a I stood in the middle and shouted : " Citizens, who rang me up just now, and on what business, may I ask ? " - The customers, however, kept silent, and no one answered my question.

" What a nuisance ! " thought I. " All this ringing for nothing ! And no one to admit to it."

What was I to do ? I sat down and ordered a pint, on the chance that someone might turn up. It would be strange, I thought, if it were someone's practical joke !

Well, I had my pint, and a little to eat, and then went home. But at home everything was upside down, and my new navy-blue suit, and two sheets were missing.

I went straight to the telephone and rang up in haste.

" Hullo ! Will you please put through an urgent call to the Criminal Department of the Town Militia ? Everything I possess has been stolen." But the young lady at the telephone exchange answered : " Sorry, the number is engaged."

A little later I rang up again.

This time the young lady told me : " The line is not working, sorry."

So I put on my coat and ran downstairs as fast as,I could. And I took the tram to the Criminal Department of the Town Militia.

There I had to give a full account of the event. They listened to me, and said : " All right, we'll investigate this."

" Please investigate, and ring me up," said I.

" We'll investigate," they said, " but. as for ringing up, we have no time to waste. We, dear comrade, can do our job very well without ringing up."

How this will all end, I don't know. No one has rung me up since. And the telephone's still there.