No. 1373: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for an extract from a 'best woman's' speech at a wedding.

About once a year I dream up a competi- tion which I think is a corker and it turns out a dud. So it was this week. Perhaps I shouldn't have invited you to be 'fruity and facetious', which all too easily declines into risque and plain unfunny. Bitchy you were, and often successfully: 'Moira says what she thinks. I remember the shock she gave some people when she said that the day her pony was sold was the happiest day of her life' (D. H. M. Brown) and: `Cynth's a great sport, as I remember from school- days, always willing to have a go at anything. Even then lost causes were her forte' (D. A. Prince). I liked Chas F. Garvey's opening: 'Unaccustomed as I am to public sneaking, as Daphne's best friend I feel I owe it to Johnny . . .' and Sid Field's rustic matron or maiden: 'Well, our Norma's a lucky lass — she's got Dave at last. She's certainly tried 'ard enough. First it was on, then it was off. On, off, on, off — I thought they was playin' yo-yo! Any- 'ow they've got it made now.' There wasn't

a great deal else to admire.

The winners below receive £10 each and the bonus bottle of Cognac Courvoisier VSOP goes to Paul Allen.

Gentlemen and ladies,

Unaccustomed as we 'little women' are to public speaking . . . (pause for laughter).

A new tradition for a New Woman. Margaret comes to matrimony after careers in both Chemistry and the Law, having gained a BSc and bar, • you might say! But on this the day which surely marks the very pinnacle of her life we should also remember that Margaret holds traditional values. She knows that her place is in the house. Denis will oil the wheels of industry while Margaret faces the twin problems of family and looking after the heath — sorry, hearth. Hardly a chequered destiny, but Mar- garet, already in her prime, will minister to every need. Never to be unemployed, she knows there is no alternative to dusting cabinets, teaching servants to be civil, and putting down any argy-bargy . . . .

(Paul Allen) I can't think why Lavinia has asked me to speak on her behalf. The old thing's jolly well got the gift of the gab enough already — as Robin's going to find out when he gets his first telephone bill.

Actually that's why I gave Robin and Lavinia a fat little parcel of British Telecom shares for a wedding prezzie. They're bound to shoot up — whoosh! — like one of Lavinia's serves on the tennis court. Seriously, though, Lavinia serves a super ace — and super cordon bleu yummies too. I should know, sharing that ghastly slum of a flat with her all those years. She's a really fantastic person to share with — only I warn Robin she's likely to pinch his shampoo and then forget to buy any more. Still, one can always use washing-up liquid. No danger of that getting used up while Lavinia's in charge of the house- keeping! (Charles Mosley) I've known Jane and Jeremy since childhood. Their first row was at eight years old when Jeremy promised to show Jane something fasci- nating if she would show her knickers. Jane showed her knickers and Jeremy showed his grandfather's stamp collection.

At school Jane was brilliant at maths and I shone at telling lies. When we played hookey to the point-to-point races Jane could calculate my exact winnings from 20p on a 9 to 4 on shot and I could convince the headmistress that we'd spent the afternoon searching the village bookshop for Pilgrim's Progress.

I know Jane and Jeremy are compatible because they both like jellied eels, Wagner, latin verse and Coronation Street. So let's sink a moet to Jane, may her troubles never have little ones.

(Gerry Hamill) 'Course, I've known Gloria for years. Actually, I was with her the night she met Tom. We tossed to decide who got him and who got Norman; I'm still not sure who won. No, sit down, Norman.

Finally, I'd like to read a few telegrams from Gloria's friends. This one's from the pony club, and says, 'Looking for a full score with no refusals.' Isn't that nice? And here's one from St Hilda's OGs: 'Remember the motto: Surge non Ligere. Old Hildeans always come out on top.' This one's from the tennis club ladies' commit-

tee. It just says, 'New balls.' I can't imagine what that's all about. And the hockey club one says, 'If the earth moves, demand a replay.'

Lastly, there's one here says, 'Still not too late. Elope with me now. Norman.' No, Tom, please, it was just a joke. Sit down, Norman. . . Stop them, somebody . . . Oh God . . . .

(Noel Petty)