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12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

COMPETITION

..0111AS RE 12 YEAR OLD -fa.r SCOTCH WHISKY

Safety first

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1680 you were in- vited to add lines, in the same dreary, cautionary tone, to these three from Hous- man's parody of a Greek tragedy:

'And, 0 my son, be on the one hand good, And do not on the other hand be bad; For that is very much the safest plan.'

I yearn to send those of you who don't know it to Housman's comic masterpiece, but my only reference book is J. C. Squire's ancient (1928) and excellent parody anthology, Apes and Parrots. Here, as an appetiser, is some snappy stichomy- thia: Alcmeon: I journeyed hither a Boeotian road. Chorus: Sailing on horseback, or with feet for oars?

Alcmeon: Plying with speed my partnership of legs.

Chorus: Beneath a shining or a rainy Zeus? Alcmeon: Mud's sister, not himself, adorns my shoes.

Chorus: To learn your name would not displease me much.

Alcmeon: Not all that men desire do they obtain.

If I hadn't quoted Housman, I would have had space for lines by Monica Ribon and David Heaton, the two best runners- up. As it is, the laurel-wreathed prize- winners are awarded £15 each, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes to a stranger (there is often one in a Greek tragedy), Lindsay Ardwyn.

Remove your clothes before you take a bath: This keeps them from becoming soaking wet, Which otherwise, you'll find, they tend to do, And also aids the scrubbing of the skin. When eating cheese, remove the plastic rind, Nor drink (however thirsty) oil or bleach, Avoiding thus severely crippling pains, Which might prove fatal, shortening your life. Likewise you'll find you're well advised to shun The path of moving cars, which often bring Ignominy upon the race of man By meting out a hedgehog's sorry fate. When reading books, align the printed page So that it faces upwards, or you'll tax Both eyes and mind with unaccustomed strain (Unless of course you're standing on your head). (Lindsay Ardwyn) Forbear to light the lamp till darkness falls, And give the household cats the herring's tail. Keep solemn, with no mirth, the Feast of Zeus, For gods are jealous of the sons of earth. Examine well your cisterns for a leak: Discovery in a drought is late and ill. Guard, too, the tethered goat within the garth Lest it break loose and bark and kill the trees. Evil is ever in the lives of men: Mother-in-laws and brothers of a wife As well as your own kin can bring to ruin A flourishing estate before you can Say 'Doom!' Attune your ear to catch The death-watch beetle in the household beam.

(George Moor) Rise from your slumbers at the proper time — When dawn arrives, or when the noonday sun Provides a mellower alternative; And clean your teeth before the breakfast hour Or, if preferred, after the cereal, According to convenience — some aver Advantage in the former, since the gunge Of overnight putrescence can be cast Before refreshment, while the latter sort Prefer to shift aside the lingering flake Deposited thereafter. Then to work!

Take all your tasks in order, or at once Combine the varied duties of the day.

Howe'er you venture, intersperse the hours With merry pastimes: undiverted toil Inclines to dullness prepubescent youth.

(Mary Holtby) Avoid commitment; look but never leap; Flirt with the Church of England. Send a pound, Say once a year, to causes people like — The Sally Army, Injured Jockeys Fund, Dr Barnado, or the Gurkha Trust. Tell all your friends the causes you support, But add the sum to which your bounty runs. 'My social work!' is quite a useful phrase, Said with a tipsy hiccup and a laugh. 'Good type' or 'bad type' they will call you then; It does not matter which: they mean the same. They mean that you are safe, can be dismissed, Will never have to step up on the stage, Kill, or be killed, for honour's sake, or lust's, But stay perpetual chorus to the time, Content to bear a stretcher for the great.

(Paul Griffin) Let prudence ever check the racing tongue, For ill-considered speech is seldom wise, And once a word slips through mouth's open gate, Mouth's porter, thought, lacks means to call it back.

Where you would set your toe, first aim your eye, Which member serves the body as a scout And by reconnaissance alerts the limbs. Who moves with heedless step will surely trip Or sink a feckless foot in fulsome mire; Nor will his noisome shoe delight the nose. Aspire to nothing that cannot be done, Nor shrink from that which lies within your power.

What Zeus wills not no man need ever fear, But what he wills 'tis folly to resist. What cannot be avoided will take place; What cannot be will never come to pass.

(Keith Norman)