YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q• I am a 37-year-old schoolmaster at an all-girls school. Last week Alix, the 21-year- old daughter of friends, asked if I would help out by putting her onto a train at CluPpenham station with a large quantity of luggage. Her parents were away and she, a student, was off to Moscow for three months as part of her degree course. When we arrived I saw the London platform was awash with girls from my school. I carried Alix's bags across and naturally, when the train came in and she was safely on board with the luggage, kissed her goodbye on both cheeks. I have since been told that rumours are rife within the school that I have a 21-year-old girlfriend. How can I dispel them, since it would clearly be inap- propriate for me to be romantically involved with someone so close in age to the girls I teach?
Mr Bottomley, St Secret's, Wilts 4. Stick a photograph of Alix onto the school noticeboard with the following announcement beneath it: 'Mr Bottomley's cousin Mix will deliver a lecture on stirrup- polishing at 8.15 on 9 May. All those wish- ing to attend please sign below.' Once the
Dear
Mary...
news that Alix is your cousin has been dis- seminated, you can cancel the lecture on grounds of lack of interest.
Q. I have always been hopeless at balanc- ing, I am bad at dancing, I cannot drive and so on. I am also quite neurotic. However, for various crucial social reasons it is essen- tial that I learn to ride. How should I best go about this, since I am worried that the horses will pick up on my anxiety and buck me off?
Name and address withheld A. Little children learn to ride in basket saddles, so why not approach Lord Roberts' Workshop whose basket-weavers could be commissioned to run you up an adult basket saddle?
Q. I am a driver of a number 70 bus, and each day as I pull up at the stop at the end of Kensington Church Street, I am affront- ed by the fish-faced gazes of those greedy guzzlers sitting stuffing themselves behind the long plate-glass window of Kensington Place restaurant. That's bad enough, but now you urge my customers (1 February) to eat picnics on my vehicle. What facial expression should I adopt?
F.B., London E14 A. You have no need to adopt any expres- sion at all, since it is a well-known phe- nomenon that people never look up. As your driver's seat is well above eye level you can enjoy the liberating feeling of being able to wear a spontaneous facial expres- sion, unlike the unfortunate diners within the restaurant.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WC1N 2LL.
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