Student Stirs: a Document
PERSONAL COLUMN MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS
Being a Letter to Mercurius Londiniensis
FRIEND LONDINIENSIS,
Yours of the 28th ultimo, bearing news of the utter failure of the Fanaticks' great demonstra- tion in London, has brought good cheer to all loyal hearts in Oxon. This failure of their city friends has greatly abashed our university fanaticks too; of whose anticks 'tis now my turn to give you some accompt, both as a fair return for your civility and to encourage the honest party amongst you. But I will begin by telling you of their strength and disposition and then proceed to the heroicall acts which they have performed in the past week.
Know then that the fanaticks here are but few, and those gathered largely in two of our colleges, one old and one new, but both equally hideous : so true it is, as the philosophers say, that grace of body reflects grace of mind. The first of these two colleges is Balliol Coll., originally founded by a Scotchman, as a penance for murther, but not a penny paid by him (they being a parcimonious race), and since nurtured constantly in rebellion, having had one Wycliffe as its Master, and his successors little better. The other is Nuffield Coll., lately • founded by a hugely rich mechanick, who thought thus to supply himself with ingeniose merchant-factors. But alas! 'twas scarce founded before it was colonised from Balliol, whose then Master, the late Lord Lindsay, being inward with the Founder, cozened the old man into filling the place with young fry from his own spawning- bed. 'Tis now peopled with neoterick tub- preachers, who dignify themselves with sesqui- pedalian names, as psephologists, sociologists, etc.: anglice agitators.
• From these two seminaries comes all the heresy that is now troubling the university; as indeed is manifest to whosoever walks the streets of Oxon. For the walls of Balliol Coll. are today chalked from top to bottom with the canting slogans of the sect, all of them treasonable, most obscene, many illiterate, threatening destruction or perverse usage to loyal subjects. Indeed that whole coll. is now little other than an extroverted privy-house : the scribblings which there, through shame, are writ inwardly being here shamelessly published to the world. Elsewhere in the university such writings are to be found, but scattered; and 'tis likely they are all done by vagrant Balliol men; for the idiom is the same, and other coils., though infected, still retain some reliques of publick decency.
Here let me say that, save in Balliol Coll., of which there is no hope, having been always a nest of sedition, '[would be easy to stop the rot, were it not for a tribe of young Fellows, mostly bred in Balliol or Nuffield, if not both, who, after having sucked in the rank vapour of those places, have been planted out in more wholesome ground, to teach those new-fangled subjects which drowsy guardians have suffered to be added to our good old irivium and quad- rivium; and the sooner they are brought to order, by lopping their tainted branches and spraying their stumps with a good drench of sound doctrine, the better we shall all thrive.
The fanaticks also print every week a
pamphlet called Cherwell, which some think founded in memory of my Lord Cherwell, lately deceased. If so, it has sadly declined since his time, his Lordship having been always a loyal subject, a high-flyer for legitimacy, divine right and privilege of peers. This rag is now writ in the same style as the wall-scribblings on Balliol Coll., and most probably by the same people : for otherwise 'tis hardly to be believed that there are ninnies enough to go round. 'Tis the organ of their party, like your Black Dwarf, which I am glad to learn is now ailing and suspended. It gives them their orders, which they, being very sheep, do obey.
On the failure of your giant demonstration in London, the fanaticks here were mightily cast down and there was at first much lamentation, breast-beating and calls to repentance; but soon they plucked up courage, and this aforesaid pamphlet summoned them to bury the memory of that discomfiture by performing some new and signal feat of arms, viz: to besiege All Souls Coll., which, having no undergraduates to defend it, they thought a rich prize, easily taken; besides that there was within it one Dummett, a rogue Wykehamist, upon whom, like Rahab the Harlot, they thought that they could rely. So for three days they surrounded the college, bearing furious placards. But the college porters, a sound and orthodox race of men, shut fast the gates and let none in or out, save only Dr Rowse, who for a moment, as 'tis reported, appeared at the gate more Romano to abuse the enemy: which he did right well, and naturally. The Warden, Master Sparrow, showed himself a stout captain on this occasion. Deserting his Sotadean studies, and forgoing his equestrian exercise, which he takes every week for his health, he manned the battlements, refused all parley, and even, in a sortie (as 'tis said), captured an enemy standard; which next day, under a flag of truce, was civilly returned. On the third day, the effects of the siege began to be felt in the coll., insomuch as the Fellows of All Souls, who are accus- tomed to live delicately (too delicately, as some say), were happy to share an ass's head for their dinner, and a fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for their dessert: which was all the Gaudy they bad this year. But then sud- denly, hearing a mere rumour that a relieving army was on its way from Christ Church or Trinity (two loyal coils., much abused for theif loyalty), the fanaticks broke up and, after an unseemly attempt to intrude into the Congiet. gation House, where Mr Vice-Chancellor, in a panick, was pushing through some unneces- sary bill of appeasement, they dispersed and have not since been seen, and the kitchens of All Souls Coll. have been fully replenished.
After this rebuff, the Fanaticks are trying a new course. Through their weekly pamphlet they are now seeking to disaffect the college porters, as the first obstacle to their invasion of other coils., and through their dupes in the university they are clamouring for control of teaching, lest the ingenuous young should be taught to think for themselves, and of dis- cipline, lest their ringleaders should at any time be silenced or sent away; all of which they
put in such virtuous, innocent language that many are cozened by them; but none so gullible as those who wish to be gulled; of which we have too many.
This then, good friend Londiniensis, is the sum of the goings-on in Oxon., which must surely be of great encouragement to you in London. For believe me, there is nothing in all these stirs of callow students but what, by a show of firmness and rationality, could be totally dissipated; as all our loyal, taxpaying citizens here readily agree, who would gladly see justice done and a gallows erected, as by statute allowed, at Magdalen Bridge, had our academicall governors but the courage which the times require and which we mere cen- turions in the Republick of Letters would gladly give 'em. But these are yielding times and few are willing to see whither all this appeasement will lead us: 'tis easier for college drones to buzz with the hive and make a virtue of their harmony than, by independency, to change the tune and be thought excentrique. On which note, good brother Londiniensis, I bid you farewell, your affectionate brother to serve you,
MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS
P.S. 'Tis just reported that there has been a revolution in Balliol Coll., and that the Master, Dr Hill, has been hanged in his doctor's robes by the fanaticks, whom he once led, but who have now elevated one Cobb, a Ranter, in his place. The report is as yet unconfirmed, but 'tis very plausible, and so not to be discounted.
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