Karm and Gerry
Ian Hislop
Out on a Limb Shirley Maclaine (Elm Tree Books £8.95)
This book was published in the United States just before the General Election and news flashed across the Atlantic that Shirley Maclaine had admitted to having an affair with a prominent member of the Labour Party. This was tremendous news in a dull election, and speculation about the mystery man filled the tabloids. Some said it was Roy Hattersley, some even thought it was David Owen but the lady herself ap- peared in the country to tell us that 'Gerry' was a 'composite figure' and thus the sensa- tion ended. She now refuses to talk about the man at all because the fuss detracted from the really sensational aspects of her book.
For you see, not only had Shirley had an affair with Gerry in this life, but they had actually been married in a former life. Un- fortunately, in this previous incarnation, the marriage had not worked too well because Gerry spent too much time working on cultural exchanges with extraterrestrials. That is right. Extraterrestials. In fact the
main reason we have Out on a Limb to read at all, is because a female extraterrestrial from the constellation of The Pleiades met a friend of Shirley's in the Andes, and sug- gested to him that Shirley should write it. David, the friend in question, had lived with Shirley in a number of previous incar- nations and was moreover a twin-soul of hers from way back in time, so he had no hesitation in passing on the message. Shirley was a bit sceptical at first but then obliged with a 370 page volume about spiritualism, trance chanelling, astral travelling, extraterrestrials of course, and members of the Labour Party called Gerry.
Out on a Limb is the result, so titled because she felt that she was going out on a limb. Out to Lunch is a phrase that springs to mind after reading the book, but Miss Maclaine is well aware that sceptics like myself will be unsympathetic. She tries to ward us off with chapter headings that are quotations from heavyweight writers and intellectuals, supporting some aspect of her spiritual voyage. The names of Schopenhauer, Kant, Balzac, T. H. Huxley, Whitman, Goethe, Emerson, Einstein and Thoreau dare you to suggest that she is writing rubbish. 'It was rare and real and open and direct and a little bit frightening'. I think I dare.
Shirley Maclaine makes a journey into herself and discovers the spiritual dimen- sion of life. She comes to believe in reincarn- ation and with it the principle of Karmic Cosmic Justice. Our souls lead multiple lives through time accumulating good Kar- ma or bad Karma that must be worked out in the next incarnation. So we progress towards God. Extraterrestrials, interest- ingly, are more advanced spiritually than we are and they come on missions to Earth occasionally to instruct Moses or Elijah or Shirley Maclaine. The visitor from the Pleiades had some interesting thoughts on the American Woman's Movement, but usually these aliens teach the same subject that Christ himself taught: Reincarnation. For those who do not remember anything of this nature in the Bible, Shirley explains that all Jesus's thoughts on reincarnation were suppressed by the Church at the Coun- cil of Nicea. (Hence the Creed's failure to mention Karma, E.T., etc). Luckily David, the Californian friend, has outwitted the early church and knows what they were anyway: 'That was in fact Christ's Message. All People can accomplish what he ac- complished'. So Christ was not unique. He was not even an extraterrestrial. He ac- complished what he did mostly thanks to the 18 years that he spent in India training to be a Yogi. The mystery of Christ's life between 12 and 30 is easily explained. Shirley learns a great deal about these things from her reading list at a Californian occult shop. Perhaps Christ spent some of his adolescence in California.
She also receives guidance from a number of 'spirit entities'. These are just disembodied souls who speak through a medium called Kevin. The first is called John and he speaks in 'Biblical Lingo'. As Miss Maclaine renders it he says 'ye' a lot but otherwise manages a fairly contem- porary idiom. The second is called Tom Macpherson who used to be an Irish pickpocket and he thus starts his sessions by saying 'Tip 0' the hat t'ya'. He and John tell Shirley about her previous lives and then John makes a speech deprecating 'the sceptical intellect'. This is just as well at this point. It is even more necessary when we later discover from Shirley that Von Daniken was really on the right track. Other spirit entities feature in the book but they seem to have less important things to do than tell Shirley about her past life. Some tell her friend Cat about 'Diets that are good for your vibrations'. Equally useful is the medium in a remote part of the Andes who tells Shirley that Ed' Koch is going to become Mayor of New York. Well, that some bald man with long fingers is going to be Mayor anyway. That certainly puts Christ's miracles in perspective. David remains the chief teacher with maxims like 'Work Hard'. Personally he spends a lot of time eating peaches on the beach or having mineral baths in the Andes.
Shirley Maclaine always stresses that she too was sceptical before she became con- vinced. She says that she has a 'Built-in Bullshit Indicator'. I think it must have developed a fault as mine was flashing red on nearly every page. But cynics become the object of their cynicism in their next life, she warns. I look forward to being a Moonie.
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