Practical philosophy
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1825 you were invited to write some advertising copy linking a philosopher with a prosaic pro- ject.
The Times advertisement invoking the name of Descartes, from which I quoted, was excruciatingly headed: 'I THINK, THEREFORE I AM MOVING TO CAR- DIFF BAY.' Plenty of philosophun was had by all: 'How today's plurality of plastic would have irked William of Ockham!'; `Plato knew what he was talking about. Do you?'; 'Diogenes may have been an old cynic but we'd have had him over a barrel with this one!'; and, finally, Nietzsche's thoughtful recommendation: 'Rise above the herd! Use the new Hanson's moustache-honer for the ultimate power moustache — fit for a Superman!' The prizewinners below get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Drummond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to Martin Woodhead.
Erratum. A fax from New York, from a friend who doesn't know that I go by night under the name of Jaspistos, points out that 'The art of losing isn't hard to master', a line used for Competition No. 1823, comes not from a villanelle by William Empson but from one entitled 'One Art' by Elizabeth Bishop. Thank you, far-flung friend. Esse est percipi is our company motto, and indeed Bishop Berkeley would instantly per- ceive the immense potential of our sensational new security systems, which combine the latest infra-red, seismic and temperature-sensitive technology to create a revolutionary concept (or rather percept) in property surveillance.
Employing radical new principles of human knowledge, our equipment constantly monitors all perceived qualities — whether extension, figure, solidity, gravity or motion is immaterial — so that every sense-datum is precisely logged. We do not hesitate to claim that we have perfected a New Theory of Vision, which we have successfully installed in government offices, churches and cathedrals, and institutions of higher education. With Bishop Security Ser- vices you can be logically positive that there's no one about in the quad.
(Martin Woodhead) Immanuel Kant made a critical study of reason. So have we. Incidentally, he did it transcenden- tally. So have we. Our study shows that the reason you buy a toilet-pan-cleaner is to get your pan cleaner. Simple as that. You simply need KANT, the transcendental cleaner. If KANT can't get your pan cleaner, nobody can't. Get transcendental KANT today. Pure reason.
(David Heaton) Above all, Thyme and Plaice will be a restaurant that preserves Aristotle's dramatic unities. A single, perfect setting. One magically extended moment in time. And a course of events — or an event of courses — that unfolds and develops in one uncluttered narrative line. Every meal at Thyme and Plaice will be like a beautifully- crafted theatrical experience. From the instant that you first see our menu to the final draining of your brandy glass, all your senses will be engaged in an exploration of human potential- ity. And before you step back into the formless whirl of the world every one of those senses will have been deeply satisfied.
Perhaps that is what Aristotle meant by catharsis.
(W. J. Webster)
You don't have to be a Professor of Logic to latch on to a sound proposition! But it's our bet that if Sir Freddy Ayer were alive today, he'd be logically more than positive about a little flutter on Big League Bingo — new this week in Goals on Sunday!
Not convinced? Then take a look at our fabulous prizes — and whether you're more at home with the Vienna Circle or the centre circle, whether you start from an Oxford College or some other premises, you'll reach the same conclusion — Big League Bingo is a concept worth exploring!
So don't be plagued by doubt: play Big League Bingo in Goals on Sunday — even a philosopher could be certain about it!
(Philip Dacre) Wasn't it Wittgenstein who said, 'Whereof one cannot speak, thereon one must remain silent'? Perhaps he had a Harrod's hamper in mind with its famously variable contents. This brimming cornucopia may have been just the inspiration he needed. And did an afternoon on the Cam with one of our wickerwork horns of plenty suggest an opening for his greatest work? We humbly suggest it did: 'The world is all that is the case.'
(Tim Hopkins)
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