ISLE OF
-7- u RA 0114+
ISLE OF
iuluRA
COMPETITION
SISLIJ.,,(01014111UI
Clumsy copy
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1995 you were invited to supply some egregiously infelici- tous advertising copy promoting a typically British 'attraction' for the foreign market.
`Visit Bacton, the seaside resort North Sea Gas chose!' urged T. Griffiths. Manna Blake's invitation was almost tempting: `Ee ba gum! None of your foreign imitations. Real Yorkshire Puddings made by real Yorkshire Mums', Paul Hatton's less so: `In a once in a lifetime offer, Reminiscence Tours Ltd is offering its guests the unique opportunity to relive one of the great English traditions — the old-fashioned School Dinner'. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to D.A. Prince.
Britain with the wraps off — your chance to see it off the record. Have you seen the Guard changed too often? Spotted too many pigeons in Trafalgar Square? Suspected Soho's more rip off than strip off? Then GO BRITISH! The don- keys at Blackpool, the herring gulls at Hove, the bathing scene at Brighton — British beaches show you the real Britain, unbuttoned and unguarded. Family fun, from Frinton to Felixstowe, turns tourism on its head — castles go bouncy, golf goes crazy, piers go common. Where PC stands for postcard — and plenty of sauce. Where the chips go down in the open. Where you see parts of Britain that stay hidden fifty weeks of the year. Sun and sand, showers and shingle — the British seaside is summer as WE know it. Larger than life. Who says the only show is at the end of the pier? Dip your toes in.
It's DIHrbRENTI (D.A. Prince) Look cool, be cool this summer with Tortuvorr — the traditional true-Brit beachwear. TOPKNOTT is a cleverly crafted square of off- white cotton, ingeniously knotted at each corner. The ultimate in head-cred! Choose from an exciting range of coloured borders — sage green, ink blue, earth brown, slate grey or cool maroon. Why not take advantage of our amaz- ing offer and have a TOPKNOTT to complement every outfit? Your ready-to-wear TOPKNOTT will be a versatile addition to your wardrobe. Simply rearrange the angle of the knots to suit your mood. Try it now in the comfort of your own home. ToPictsrarr comes to you ready-crumpled for that authentic straight-from-the-pocket effect. And what's more — each and every knot is fully adjustable to ensure a perfect fit every time. Don't be a head case — get a TOPKNOTI1
(Craniologist-approved.) (Rosemary Fisher) Queen Victoria was not amused. But you can be. Britain has long been famous for its monarchy — but let's face it, it used to be a rather dull affair. Staid. Dutiful. Devoted to solemn, imper- sonal ceremonies. Now all that's changed. Britain's royal family has rediscovered the gift of laughter, raunchiness and mischief. Follow them as they chase each other in and out of the tabloid press. Eavesdrop on their hilarious phone calls. Join in the speculation. Will Camilla the Thriller get to mount the throne? Is it true about Edward? Will Di go topless before Charles loses all his hair? Nothing unites people like exchanging gossip about the madcap Windsors. It's the best bit of public entertain- ment in the world. And it's free. So forget Sweden, Belgium, Holland, Spain. Their royals are discreet and colourless, living in the past. Only Britain offers you a monarchy for the 21st century. (Basil Ransome-Davies) Plumb the depths of an Englishman's wardrobe, and you will find his best-kept secret: his beloved Cardi. Never seen outside the home, this won- derful garment is the quintessence of the English genius for compromise, managing to be both sweater and jacket without quite being either. It was invented by an English aristocrat, Lord Cardigan, and gave visible expression to his lord- ly independence of the fashions of the days. There is nothing the English like better than a good loser, and Lord Cardigan was a good loser on the epic scale. Leading the famous Charge of the Light Brigade with magnificent indifference to the advice of aides, he lost half his men and still went on playing the game. Now you can ride aristocratically above the whims of fashion. Relax in an English Cardi, and let the smart set do the worrying. (Noel Petty) Endurance Mansions in Winterton-on-Sea on the Norfolk coast welcomes residents of Nice. Offering a superb view of the North Sea oil rigs, each room comes fully equipped with a wireless. Mrs Littlecheer, a charming English eccentric, will serve a traditional English wartime breakfast any time you choose between 7.00 and 7.15 a.m. After making your bed, stroll down to the beach and luxuriate in the unforgettable aroma of the North Sea. Even Nice's beaches can't offer you the tingle of shale beneath your feet and winds suitable for kite-flying in the height of summer! For night life, visit the Spitting Punk, a tradition- al English pub. There is a special place in the landlord's heart for French people and you will receive a welcome that you will never forget. When you finally leave us, it will be with a keen sense of what you have left behind!
(Jonathan Richards) What nicer way to shelter from our quaint Eng- lish summer than in an Authentick Tea Shoppe? Restfully relax in the chintz-swagged, fancifully festooned ambience of an enchanting late-'80s cottage conversion; admire the stoical persis- tence of the August rain; cosy yourself, ingle- nookwise, before the 15-watt log-alike hearth feature. While eagerly awaiting your delicious Cream Tea, remark tasteful, wall-mounted Toby jugs, electro-brassed bedpans and leather-look horse tack. Empathise with drip-drying fellow patrons. Enjoy! Your Cream Tease menuette bids you experience that most English of restora- tives: bijou pot of tea; scones (two per person); genuine county cream (from a genuine county); preserve (strawberry). All brought to your table by local ladies, whose smiles will blossom as you place pourboires into their deco-esque doilied
Previous page
