Dear Mary
Q. What should you answer when a lady whom you have not seen for 30 years greets you with the question, 'You do not remember who I am, do you?' when you don't?
P.S., Cornwall A. You should not worry. Such a lapse in memory is not the offence it was in the days when circles of friends and acquaintances were more manageably sized. Thirty years ago it would indeed have been hurtful not to remember someone who remembered you —particularly if that person had conceived a romantic longing for you and spent hundreds if not thousands of waking hours daydreaming about the possibility of your union. To reassure this particular lady, it might have been kind to let her have the upper hand by responding in confidential tones, 'As you can probably see, I'm not the man I was. Do help by reminding me.'
Q. My boyfriend has joined a specialist a la carte travel agent and is about to start leading small groups around archaeological sites in a certain hot country. I know there will be single women in each group but, though my boyfriend is loyal, the fact is he is too damned attractive. How can I see off predatory women who want my man when I am 1,000 miles away?
Name and address withheld A. You are right to worry. In a variation of Ski Instructor Syndrome, your boyfriend will certainly be targeted by the lusty ladies. Yet help is at hand. Simply equip your boyfriend with a pair of particularly nerdy sandals of the type which display the full toes. Ensure they fit him comfortably and that he will find them in his luggage when he arrives in the sweltering heat of the foreign clime. He will be unable to resist wearing them. As the current heatwave has shown, for women sandals serve to strip all males of any sexual allure they might otherwise have. It may be irrational but it means you can sit back and relax for the duration of your boyfriend's absence.
Q. My husband and I were invited to lunch by a near neighbour. We brought with us some freshly prepared Cromer crabs, bought that morning, yet our hostess did not serve the crabs, and we knew she was going out to supper that night. Would it have been in order to ask for them back?
W.G., Norfolk A. When Boswell suggested taking lemons with them to Skye, Dr Johnson said, 'Sir, it is very bad manners to carry provisions to any man's house, as if he could not entertain you. To an inferior, it is oppressive; to a superior, it is insolent.' Even today, although it is agreeable for a hostess to receive a present of a foodstuff such as homemade redcurrant jelly or homegrown organic vegetables, it is quite wrong to present her with a full course. No doubt your hostess was expressing her disapproval by punishing you in this way.
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