SPECTATOR CHRISTMAS QUIZ Set by Christopher Howse

This year some questions are easy and some are hard.

Mind my bike 1. An easy one: Who'd look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle made for two?

2. A hard one: Who wrote that music-hall song?

3. Which Cocteau film features a duo of motorcyclists?

4. At what speed did F. L. Dodds achieve an hour's cycling in Cambridge in 1876?

5. Who said: 'I know all about these problems. I grew up in the Thirties with an unemployed father. He didn't riot. He got on his bike and looked for work. And he found it.'

6. Which French artist's 'Bicycle Wheel' (1913) was just a bicycle wheel?

7. James Starley was managing foreman of the Coventry Sewing Machine Company, invented the Ariel bicycle, with its centre-pivot steering, the Coventry tricycle and the tangentially spoked wheel. Where did he die?

8. Who directed the film, Bicycle Thieves?

9. Which group released the single 'Born to be Wild' in 1968?

10. If it comes to that, in which wireless show did the catchphrase 'Mind my bike' occur?

One step at a time 1. A hard one: To whom are attributed:

As I was going up the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today.

I wish, I wish he'd stay away.

these lines 2. An easy one from Dickens: `Yes I have a pair of eyes, and that's just it. If they was a pair o' patent dou- ble million magnifyin' gas microscopes of hextra power, p'raps I might be able to see through a flight o' stairs and a deal door; but bein' only eyes, you see, my wision's limited.'

Who is speaking?

3. For genealogy fans: The Earl of Stair is also a baronet, but of which New World colony?

4. The author of this poem lived from 1865 to 1936. His subject lived from 1775 to 1817. Who were they? (Extra credit for identifying the other authors mentioned.)

Jane went to Paradise: That was only fair.

Good Sir Walter met her first, And led her up the stair.

Henry and Tobias And Miguel of Spain, Stood with Shakespeare at the top To welcome Jane.

5. In which London postal district can you find Wapping Old Stairs, Wapping New Stairs, Wapping Dock Stairs, New Crane Stairs and Shadwell Dock Stairs?

6. In America they call the horizontal measurement between two adjacent risers the run. What do we call it in Britain?

7. By which leg (in order to throw him down the stairs) would you take an old man who wouldn't say his prayers?

8. Who 'stood on the stairs, and beck- oned with his hand unto the people. And when there was made great silence, he spake unto them in the Hebrew tongue, saying, "Men, brethren and fathers, hear ye my defence which I make now unto you." (And when they heard that he spake in the Hebrew tongue to them, they kept the more silent.)'?

9. In which Eliot poem do these lines come?

At the first turning of the second stair I turned and saw below The same shape twisted on the banister.

10. David Niven ascends a great celestial staircase in which film?

11. If you think that's hard, try this: Who wrote the play The Passing of the Third Floor Back?

12. And what is a third-floor back? Box and cocks 1. Which two authors wrote The Wrong Box?

2. What is the name of the cock in The Nun's Priest's Tale?

3. In which Jane Austen novel is there a picnic at Box Hill?

4. Whose last words were `Crito, we owe a cock to Aesculapius'?

5. Who gave his neighbour at dinner a blow, saying: 'Box about, 'twill come to my father anon'?

6. 'A Cock and a Bull,' said Yorick. In which novel?

7. Now this gets tricky.Who wrote Box and Cox?

8. Who prophesied: `And the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

`And the sucking child shall play in the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand in the cockatrice' den.'

9. Who wrote the words and music to Cox and Box?

10. 'Will Waterproofs Lyrical Monologue' begins: 0 plump head-waiter at The Cock To which I most resort,

How goes the time? 'Tis five o'clock, Go fetch a pint of port.

Who is the author?

Where, oh where?

1. In which county is Pity Me?

2. In which Devon village is a boulder for some reason turned over on 5 Novem- ber each year? 3. In which county is Tiptoe? 4. There is a cross at Geddington in Northamptonshire to commemorate which queen? 5. At the head of Arkengarthdale, at the height of 1,732ft, is an inn considered the highest in England. What is it called?

Saints and sinners 1. Where are the remains of Santa Claus (St Nicholas) revered? 2. In which month and year did both Hitler and Mussolini die?

3. Who is the patron saint of dentists? 4. In which city was Guy Fawkes born? 5. Which saint is honoured in Santiago de Compostela? 6. What nationality was Crippen? 7. St Anthony Abbot is shown with which animal?

8. What field was bought with Judas Iscariot's 30 pieces of silver? 9. Who was Dante's guide around Hell? 10. Whose letters 'teach the morals of a whore and the manners of a dancing master', according to Dr Johnson?

Flowers and flowers 1. Which is the longest river in Britain? 2. Who's summary of the 12 months is this?

Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Showery, Flowery, Bowery Hoppy, Croppy, Droppy, Breezy, Sneezy, Freezy.

3. And whose inimitable lines are these? To Salop when herself clear Sabrine comes

to show, And wisely her bethinks the way she had to go, South-westward cast her course; and with an amorous eye Those countries whence she came sur- veyeth (passing by): Those lands in ancient times old Cambria claims her due, For refuge when to her th'oppressed Britons flew etc.

4. Whose sick rose suffered from an invisible worm?

5. Where might thou cross the stripling Thames, trailing in the cool stream thy fingers wet, as the slow punt swings round?

6. What flowers have been seen:

Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the milky way.

7. Thou by the Indian Ganges' side should rubies find, but by which tide would I complain?

8. Which early flowers die 'under the willow' according to Scott?

9. I've never sailed the Amazon, I've never reached Brazil said who?

10. When, according to Alfred Noyes, shall you 'go down to Kew (it isn't far from London!)'?

Bricks and mortar 1. Which two architects built the Houses of Parliament?

2. Which cathedral did J. F. Bentley build 100 years ago?

3. Which country house connects Van- brugh and Waugh?

4. In which century were the West tow- ers of Westminster Abbey built?

5. Who built the Clifton suspension bridge?

6. Sir Jeffry Wyatville ornamented which royal castle?

7. Which polychromatic brick college in Oxford did Butterfield design?

8. Si monumentum requiris circumspice. Where?

9. Who designed the unbuilt great domed cathedral of Liverpool?

10. About how tall would you reckon Boston Stump to be?

Alphabet soup Match up the words and the definitions: A Arpeggionne B Bidonville C Cephalic D Deboshed E Entasis F Ferntickle G Gewgaw H Hedrumite I Ivy .1 Joanna K Kismet L Laetare Sunday M Mallow N Naveta 0 Ovicide P Parricide Q Quark R Riparian S Sheogue T Taxwax U Uxorial V Vim W Wevet X Xebec Y Yarnwindle Z Zori 1. A freckle.

2. A hypabyssal porphyritic igneous rock having a trachytic texture and consisting essentially of a potash- feldspar with some pyribole and (only, of course, usually) nepheline.

3. Pertaining to the head.

4. A type of Bronze Age tomb shaped like an upturned boat.

5. A bird's or frog's croak.

6. Pertaining to the banks of a river.

7. A fairy.

8. Paxwax.

9. A small vessel with lateen and usually some square sails, formerly much used by pirates.

10. An early 19th-century bowed musical instrument resembling a guitar. 11. Fate.

12. Pertaining to wives.

13. The fourth in Lent.

14. The killing of a sheep. 15. The killing of a parent.

16. A shanty-town built of oil-drums and so on.

17. Hedera helix.

18. Debauched.

19. Malva sylvestris.

20. A scouring powder.

21. A Japanese sandal.

22. A cobweb.

23. An appliance for winding thread.

24. A slight bowing of the shaft of a column (to correct the illusion of concavity).

25. A plaything or ornament.

26. A piano.

Answers on page 97