Cinema
The Swan Princess (U, selected cinemas) Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls (PG, selected cinemas, from Boxing Day)
Mix and match
Mark Steyn Tis the season for fairytale princesses, talking pigs and, in a surprising develop- ment, Dereks. You wait ages for a movie with a Derek in, and then two come along all at once. Even more surprisingly, neither picture would seem at first glance an obvi- ous candidate for a Derek among the dramatis personae. But then, in The Swan Princess, none of the names sounds quite right, beginning with the director's, Richard Rich.
In one fairytale kingdom, there is Princess Odette; in the neighbouring fairy- tale kingdom, there is Queen Uberta and her loyal courtier, Lord Rogers; brooding in his lair is the evil magician Rothbart, and his talking frog, who, being French, is called Jean-Bob. He is voiced, in cod- Chevalier, by John Cleese. Presumably, Gerard Depardieu couldn't manage the accent.
But, even with Uberta, Rothbart and Jean-Bob, the weirdest name is Derek. Derek is Queen Uberta's son and heir and is a typical fairytale prince — blond, square-jawed, talks like a Californian beach hunk. Now I've never heard of any Prince called Derek, nor of any American called Derek — like Trevor or Nigel, it's one of those names that doesn't travel. But clearly Richard Rich thought that calling his pro- tagonist Derek would give him the authen- tic air of an ancient European dynasty. `Derek' is also a terrible word for love bal- lads, and, no matter how yearningly Odell,: tries to sing his name, it lands like a ba,,, ball in the toilet:
`Far longer than forever I'll hold you in my heart Derek, you and'I were meant to be .. :
What else? Well, there's a talking turtle and a talking puffin. No talking pig. though, as a macho bozo, Prince Derek does his best. At the grand ball to seal their arranged marriage, Derek tells Odette: 'You're all I ever wanted! You're beautiful!' But what else?' demands the Princess, a modern woman who disdains
to be loved for her looks. Prince Bozo thinks it over for a moment. 'What else is there?'
Derek is bound to repent, of course. But, as an independent woman taking control of her life, Odette makes for an unsatisfying role model: she gets kidnapped by the evil magician, turned into a swan and just sits around with the talking frog waiting to be rescued.
The Wan Princess would make a better title. It's the umpteenth variation on some- day-her-Prince-will-come: Odette, where is thy King? Eventually, a chastened Derek turns up. But what was so wrong when he just had the hots for her? At least he liked something about his bride. That puts the Derek/Odette match one up on the House of Windsor's most recent venture into arranged marriages.
The Derek in Ace Ventura 2 is some Brit swine who makes a handsome living out of an endangered species. On the evidence of this picture, the least endangered species must be anus britannicus. The Brit assholes, Hollywood's preferred designated dorks, are all over the movie: not just Derek, but also Ian McNiece as a pith-helmeted fatso and Simon Callow as a fruity-vowelled Consul-General.
The plot is virtually identical to The Swan Princess: as McNiece explains, 'The daughter of the Wachati chief is set to wed
the first son of the neighbouring Wachuti tribe.'
In America, the more progressive jour- nals have deplored the film's stereotypical view of tribal Africa, but there's been not a murmur about the stereotypical Brits. For one thing, this film's checked in 30 years too late. We're in an African province in 1995, yet we're supposed to believe it's still being run by languid English nancies poncing about in Land- Rovers emblazoned with the royal coat of arms and throwing lavish balls at which the white man can lord it over Johnny Native.
Even comedy needs internal reality. Jim Carrey, the rubber-faced nutter from Dumb and Dumber, operates best as the weirdsmobile in an otherwise normal land- scape. Drop him somewhere totally unreal and his own unreality is bound to be less effective. Carrey is much touted as the Jerry Lewis de nos fours, but Lewis put in the work: Carrey is so physically exaggerat- ed, so manic that it's easy to forget that busyness isn't the same as energy. Here, he just sets his comedy on cruise control and coasts along, unconcerned by thoughts of tempo and momentum. My favourite bit is when he has himself passed through the rear end of a rhino, but even here he seems to be, so to speak, going through the motions.
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