Seasonally affected dressing
Susan Boyd can’t find anything to wear this Christmas!
Can I be the only woman who has a serious aversion to formal evening dress? The moment the invitation arrives I wish I was a man: the comfort of a uniform — one suit, one shirt, one self. A lot of the problem, of course, stems from the phrase ‘the moment the invitation arrives’. Leaving the outfit until the last moment — needing new eveningwear fast — is never a good idea. I suppose that most of us who suffer from this syndrome genuinely think we must have something in the wardrobe that would work. But soon a pile of discarded satin skirts, beaded tops, velvet jackets and chiffon dresses belie that complacency. Nothing looks just right. There is no alternative — I will simply have to go out and shop. I have only 24 hours to find that elusive ‘something’. I have, naturally, been here before and have vowed passionately never to be here again.
I want to buy something glamorous, a little bit sexy but not too revealing, definitely classy but it mustn’t need any alterations.
Why hadn’t I done what all women who know what’s on the seasonal horizon do? How much shopping advice have I read and ignored? Shouldn’t I have kept my eye on the ‘party rail’ while I was out buying too many chunky-knit sweaters, fur wraps and opaque tights? I suppose it’s important never to underestimate other women’s clever shopping strategies: they know that come early December they will have a raft of invitations for every sort of grand preChristmas celebration and that by snapping up a few perfectly pitched evening pieces early on, they will save so much future timeconsuming what-to-wear anguish.
But, given that I haven’t done anything of the kind, I now have to hit all the designer shops, pronto. The trouble is I never know exactly what I’m looking for. Should the dress (at least I’ve made this decision) be long, short, shoulder-bearing, backless, strapless, halter-neck or plunging? Sumptuous silk, ethereal chiffon, ornate and beaded, lace or velvet? Flirty, feisty or fullon screen siren?
I always hope to be inspired by the choice available but this is a big mistake. I should know by now what suits me. It’s not a bad idea to take a look at the social pages of the weeklies and glossies just to remind yourself that most women often look their worst on a ‘big night out’ — too much flesh, too much make-up, too much effort.
My first thought is Dolce & Gabbana always great for making a statement. One dress catches my eye: it is a fabulous highneck (good), long-sleeved (better), black (best) lace gown. The assistant looks slightly askance as I ask the way to the fitting-room. Only when the door is closed do I discover the sheer, unlined lace back designed to reveal a matching emerald-green bra and pants. This is one statement I’m not that desperate to make.
I race to and fro: Gucci, Prada, Armani and Escada. I leap in and out of a sequinned mermaid gown, a filmy leopard-spotted silk dress with ruched waist, and a red ‘look-atme-slit-up-to-there’ stunner. But it’s no good, nothing seems to be ‘me’ — and worst of all I haven’t got the right underwear.
So I start to relinquish the dress option and my thoughts begin to stray to the joy of a simple, luxurious, mannish (hurrah) yet ever-so-sexy tuxedo jacket. I find it and I buy it. It can go to any party, anywhere, anytime.
On the way home I mentally pair it with the black satin Gucci trousers I already have (a saving), with great glitzy stiletto sandals from Jimmy Choo and, to complete the picture, a long rope of pearls that I can loop around my neck. I know I can even tick all the fashionista boxes. I will have ‘elegant chic’, ‘perfect polish’, ‘sophisticated femininity’ with a reassuring dose of ‘subtle sex appeal’. In fact, a uniform — I knew men had it right all along.
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