Low life
Sightseeing
Jeffrey Bernard
In just a few weeks' time I am going to conduct an American girl on a guided tour of London and some of the parts of England that I hold dear or semi-precious. She is the girl who held my hand up the Mississippi and now it's her turn. But what do you do with an American? How do you give a foreigner a balanced picture? I don't want to rub her face in Middlesborough but there's more to England than Finching- field and there's more to London than that dreary Tower. If we could get behind the net curtains of Finchingfield that would be another matter and as for the Tower the sight of a suit of armour leaves me quite cold. And, of course, the weather is likely to be against us before the end of May so, apart from a couple of jaunts to the races: which she likes, we shall have to spend most of our time indoors. I could take her to the Sunday Times to see a feature writer making out his expenses, we could watch. some Morris dancing at the Arts Connell and then have tea in a motorway cafe btl! what else is there about England that ,1 would miss so dreadfully if I was marooned abroad? To be quite honest it would!) t actually kill me if I never saw the Venetia!! Ambassador's room at Knole again and don't intend to go all the way back t° Norfolk to look at Blickling Hall, although they serve very good flapjacks in the cafeteria and sell sensational corn dollies there. We don't want too much excitement too soon. The Duke of Devonshire veil kindly invited me to Chatsworth for tea the last time I met him at Newbury races, but Derbyshire does seem a long way to go fort a cup of tea. Which brings me to tha boring subject of money. Do you realise that the return fare to Cornwall at the last reckoning was £63? That's £126 plus, say, £100 for two nights in a hotel, another fl for food, which bilings it to £326. BY the time you've had a drink it comes to £3,2'" Of course Americans are pretty easy to please since they drool over anything that existed before the War of Independence with the exception of Red Indians. Ruins had in mind to show her include the site of Jack Solomons' gym in Windmill Street, Lewes Racecourse, the French pub and Lord Longford. I also had in mind to as" our editor if she could come to a Spectator lunch to see a few famous journal's° asleep with their faces in the soup or `kicking some ideas around' as it is known' But I suppose in the end we'll get bogged down in the Coach and Horses. Still, that s no bad thing in some ways. I think it might be interesting for her to see that failure 01 England is permissible if not de rigueur. And what will she make of Norman's steak r pie, cabbage and two ice cream scoops of mashed potato? I've seen these Americans eat and if it hasn't got cranberry sauce, pickles and melted cheese all over it the°, they're not at home and I want her to fee' at home. But there isn't a lot with all American flavour here. Jules' Bar in jet- myn Street is fairly like some American bars and the American Embassy is pretty unfriendly too. But one of the stumbling blocks is the narrowness of American knowledge, which seems to me to be confined to Americana. I should think tillst the average American tourist taken to visa Doctor Johnson's house would assume that, he was a famous abortionist. They do feet at home in the ghastly Park Lane Hilton and I suppose the statue of George Washington outside the National GallerY might reassure a visitor. I just don't kiln" what to do with her. There was once a Peter Arno cartoon in the New Yorker which depicted a sleazy man at a bal. looking at a very obvious blonde and saying wearily to the barman, 'Fill her up.' And I suppose that is what will happen. I Could be nasty and just put her on a London sightseeing bus every morning but want to try and be a good host. I think I shall have to give a few dinner parties in Toy chambers because one does, after all, know some very wonderful and famous People. My friends are my crowning glory. But what the hell the crowning glory of this country is I simply don't know. I fear she will return to the States with the idea that Norman is a typical English gentleman.
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