Warning Wisecracks

SPECTATOR COMPETITION NO. 463: Report by R. Kennard Davis

Competitors were asked to compose rhyming admonitions on the lines of 'Life is Sweet! Drive carefully in Street for any three towns in Great Britain.

I wouGirr I was asking for it when I set this competition. but the result surpassed my worst expectations! Two hundred and thirty-eight com- petitors, many of whom sent in two, three or more entries! Inevitably there was a lot of duplication. Dunstable and its constable appeared again and again. St. Ives with its lives, human or feline, Leeds and widow's weeds, Ware (ware!), Poole (or Goole) to provide a rhyme for 'fool' and Balachulish (various spelt) all cropped up luxuriantly. Caerphilly (carefully) was fully exploited, and three several competitors were at Pains to write out that almost interminable Welsh name that begins 'Llanfairpwr and ends in 'gogogoch.'

The best thing I can do is to give a selection of the brighter efforts, in alphabetical order, and commend them to the notice of the Authorities concerned; though I doubt whether the City Council (or whatever) of Aberdeen, which heads the list, will be disposed to adopt the suggested Slogan.

We hope you wouldn't be seen Dead in ABERDEEN.

Keep no tryst with Death in ABERYSTWYTH,

Don't cause a panic

By scorching through ALNWICK !

You'll lose your licence, and maybe more, If you don't drive carefully in APPLEDoltE.

Don't go 'Whoosh'

Through ASHBY DE LA ZOUCH I Speed not undeaulieu In BEAULIEU!

We had to BURY I. EDMUND(S). it's true; Take care we won't have to do it to you!

There's MOM in CHARD Churchyard!

Drive with

CREDITON

Your way through

Undertakers soon take over Overtakers, here in DOVER.

Good drivers are welcome in DUNSTABLE, Others are cared for by the Chief Constable!

Those who speed through EELPHAM,

God help 'eml

Ahoy! Ahowey! Slow down in FOWEY!

The good people of OILLI1'90HAM Object to your killing 'em!

Don't step on the gas; go Gently in GLASGOW!

Gain thirty seconds—lose fourteen days Speeding through antis!

Driver, prepare to meet thy doom, —Or else slow down in ILFRACOMBE.

Take it easy through KINROSS, Remember, you're not Stirling Moss!

He scorched through LEIGH R.I.P.

Don't drive through LINCOLN If you've been drincoln!

Slow down! The people of LOGE Are just as important as you.

Corpses on the tarmacadam

Are deplored here in MUCH HADHAM.

Dn't become porridge On the roads of NORWICH!

It's worth living longer! Drive slowly in ONGAR I.

PINGE, S.E.20 Festina lente!

We're tireder and tireder Of roadhogs in RHAYADER! Drive safely through SEMIS We have enough scrap metal!

Enter SHOREHAM

With decorum!

Sal hurried sALIsatatv'o.

Wisely use the streets of WARWICK. They are hopelessly historic!

Beware! Some roads are peobley In WEOBLEY.

Go slow in wool., Our churchyard's full!

As to prizes, I find it a little hard to decide between those who sent in a single entry of good quality, and those who sent in several pages of slogans, some of which were really good. 1 have tried to strike an average, and suggest that a guinea be awarded to each of the following : Frank Pavry, G. H. Baxter, Rev. N. S. Power, Gloria Prince, Admiral Sir W. M. James and C. L. Lyall. The rest may feel that they have done some- thing for the cause of safer and merrier motoring !