COMPETITION

Toenails under the hammer

Jaspistos

IN Competition No. 1505 you were invited to name and describe, as in an auctioneer's catalogue, six odd items of personal property of the famous up for sale.

A correspondent swears that some years ago a London saleroom auctioned 'a lock of hair from the head of Charles the Bald', which it described as 'extremely rare'. Oddly enough, yesterday I reverently tried on the very homburg that I. A. Richards sported in Cambridge. And, come to think of it, I once stayed with Chaplin (he of the auctioned boots), who was a most unamus- mg man off the set. Many individual items you offered for sale were successfully risible: Edith Sitwell's megaphone through which she had whispered 'sweet nothings' into Evelyn Waugh's ear-trumpet; `Gentle- man's Trousers (small) from Adelphi Theatre, dropped over 1,000 times by the late Mr Robertson Hare'; the ribbon with Which Villiers de l'Isle Adam guided his lobster through Paris; a collection of Speeding tickets, formerly the property of Viscount Linley; Shakoor Rana's contact lenses (badly scratched) found behind the crease at Faisalabad. . . . But, as usual, the prizes go to those who managed to be consistently funny, even though there isn't room for all six items in every case. Fifteen pounds apiece therefore to the winners printed below, and the bonus bottle of Champagne Palmer 1979, presented by Marie-Pierre Palmer-Becret, to Noel Petty.

Hunchback worn by Mr Charles Laughton as Quasimodo. Cast in lightweight plaster and autographed by Miss Tallulah Bankhead, Mr Douglas Fairbanks Junior and other leading players. Mr Jeremy Bentham. On the instructions of University College, owing to financial stringen- cy. The ultimate memorabile, the philosopher himself, complete with glass case. Perfect acces- sory for style-conscious home-owner.

Chariot driven by Mr Charlton Heston in 1959 remake of Ben-Hur. Neo-Roman decoration. Good runner, needs some attention.

Box of England's Glory matches used by Sir Alec Douglas-Home in dealing with 1964 ba- lance of payments crisis. Mint exterior, seven- teen (original) spent matches included.

(Noel Petty) Le violon d'Ingres, with artist's signature. As found.

Mixed lot of cigarette-ends from films noirs, including those smoked by Fred Macmurray in Double Indemnity, Gene Tierney in Laura, John Dall in Gun Crazy, etc.

Three toupees and garlic clove, former prop- erty of Francis Albert Sinatra (toupees slightly torn).

One carpet (chewed) and one Viennese sachertorte box (no contents) from former German Reichskanzlei.

Two thousand signed photographs of Ronald Reagan and chimpanzee, mint condition.

Composite lot of Soviet film properties, in- cluding baby carriage, pince-nez (broken), sailors' uniforms, steps and balustrades, meat stew (with maggots), test-your-strength machine, carbines, candles, coffin.

(Basil Ransome-Davies) Official Secrets Act. The retiring secretary to the Cabinet, Sir Robert Armstrong, offers for sale his personal copy of the Act.

1982 ballpoint pen. Found in the Falkland Islands, close to the Upland Goose Hotel, this British-made pen is thought to have been used by Max Hastings during recent hostilities.

1940s loincloth and wire-framed spectacles. The former property of Mahatma Gandhi, an Indian political leader who was recently the subject of a Hollywood box-office success.

1940s cigar. This half-smoked Havana cigar, used by Sir Winston Churchill during the Yalta talks, was hastily discarded when Josef Stalin stated his terms.

Rule book of the Labour Party. Thought to have belonged to Mr David Owen, politician, this volume was discarded nearly 10 years ago.

19th-century kilt and sporran. The former property of Mr John Brown, offered for sale by Her Majesty the Queen.

(Brian Ruth) Jar of Fingernails (in brine): Last item in the disposition of the estate of Howard Hughes, aviator and businessman. Ten separate pieces, curled. Total length: 2.3 metres. Grown and cultivated in Bahamas, Nicaragua, Las Vegas and Mexico. Note: toenails sold for 250 million yen at 1986 Tokyo auction.

James Joyce's Shaving-Bowl: Made from pure Dublin clay. Pawned in Trieste in 1905 and never redeemed. It features in the opening scene of Ulysses and recurs in Finnegans Wake (`Shems a shaving bowler!').

Six Letters to Albert Einstein from Marilyn Monroe: These letters, written over the period 1951-54, give a painful insight into the sender's mind as she tries to make sense of the special and general theories of relativity, the equiva- lence of mass, and the photon theory of light.

Shoe owned by Nikita Khrushchev: Property of United Nations.

(John O'Byme) A Rhyming Dictionary, at one time the property of T. S. Eliot. Contains a number of distinguished annotations and underscorings (e.g. gravity, suavity, depravity).

A tennis racquet (in slightly buckled frame) owned by John Betjeman.

A stick of black grease-paint from the estate of film and stage comedian Julius (Groucho) Marx; had been used for eyebrows and mus- tache (sic).

The white pawn which stood on Spassky's QKt2 in the eleventh game of his match with Fischer — known as the 'Poisoned Pawn' (in sterile cellophane wrapping).

Two pairs of heavy-rimmed gents' specs — memorabilia of the Two Ronnies.

A doubled-up table spoon, bent into present shape between the forearm and biceps of Ernest Hemingway.

(Gerard Benson)