YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am a man of a certain girth, recently warned by God and my doctor to improve my eating ways and take exercise. I have Joined numerous expensive gymnasiums but find the beautiful bodies and pop music atmosphere daunting and could only man- age a couple of visits before giving up. How can one lose weight and get fit in a civilised way when one lacks the resolve, it having been undermined by one's own 'body dys- morphia syndrome'?
D. (Desperate), Bruton Mews, London Wl 4. In this age of privatisation, even will- Power can be contracted out. Were funds unlimited you could employ two personal trainers, one to supervise your exercise rou- tine, the second as full-time companion to Police your intake of toxins. I understand Your funds may not stretch to this. Conse- quently you must go for the 'personality cult' option, seeking out a gym owner authoritative and compelling enough to magnetise you repeatedly back to his Premises in search of his personal approval de being blind to your impact on other clients. In your area I can recommend Huw °wen, whose gymnasium in St George's Street, London WI (0171 495 1311) has the atmosphere more of a gentleman's club than a disco. Shouldering their burdens of determination until such time as he has klek-started their physical renewal, Owen has attracted a number of celebrity art dealers, hairdressers and Vogue-workers.
Q. My resident housekeeper, the gardener and the lady who does the housework here club together and give me very carefully chosen and expensive presents for my birthdays and Christmas. For my birthday last July they gave me a metal office lamp for my writing desk, which already was flanked by two charming lamp-stands and shades chosen by my wife a long time ago. For Christmas they gave me an expensive, but obviously mass-produced, concrete birdbath which looks like a phallus in the downward position. It is firmly placed on the lawn, bang in front of the drawing- room French windows. There is nowhere in my small garden to which I can move it without showing that I am not enamoured with it. It is too solid for me to be able to ask a co-operative grandchild to break it. What can I do now? And what can I do in order to prevent my delightful helpers from giving me something worse for my next birthday?
P.S., Cornwall A. When your next birthday looms, allow one of them to overhear you on the tele- phone bellowing to a friend that you abso- lutely refuse to let him buy you a present unless it is a book token, since that is the only thing you want. In the meantime, destabilise the birdbath by worrying at it whenever you have the opportunity. On the next fine day a couple of friends should come to lunch. Before or after it you can open the French windows and wander out into the garden holding your drinks. Your friends have been laughing raucously and filling up their own glasses splashily. Alas, one of the clumsy oafs thinks it is a sensible idea to sit on the lip of the birdbath while you are chatting. The whole damn thing crashes down, and smashes into smithereens with any luck. Anyway, even if it is only slightly damaged your friend will insist that he replace it. He will, of course, replace it with a tasteful version which you will have personally identified and given him the money for. Your dilemma is a typi- cal hidden extra cost of having loyal staff.
Mary Killen
Previous page
