Low life
Settled
Jeffrey Bernard
Richard Burton overtook me last week but I can assure you that this is only a temporary setback. I have eight years in hand, am cruising into the final furlong hard held and am certain to pip him on the line. All I'm worried about is marrying a Booby. You see I met this strange man last week — he's a racing correspondent — who calls his wife Booby. I asked him why and he told me that the dictionary definition of booby is, 'Flightless bird. Ridiculously easy to catch.' Well, I don't like things to be that easy. I've worked hard for my four wives one of them is a Spare Rib reader — and I don't eat windfalls. Burton would marry anything as long as it could walk and breathe.
I did, as it happens, meet a possible fifth Mrs Bernard last week but it turns out that she's got the most extraordinary Ideas about what's called 'settling down'. This is a very curious phrase used only by women. I have seen feathered birds settling
down and I have seen dust settling down and I have even seen bookmakers settling up but just quite what women mean by set- tling down is another matter. I suspect it means that life is no laughing matter. You could have fooled me. But what puzzles me is what on earth did my four wives think they were getting when they married me? It really is a mystery. I mean, you can see a train when it's coming, can't you? My fourth wife, who was and is a scrumptious angel, actually said to me, when she called it a day, 'I thought you'd change and settle down.' I wonder if Elizabeth Taylor enter- tained the same notions about Mr Burton when they first met. Change? Settle down?
What they don't understand is that it takes money to change and settle down. Lawnmowers aren't cheap, you know. Semi-detacheds in Chislehurst don't exactly fall off trees. (Try saying, 'semi-detacheds in Chislehurst' after six large ones.) Settling down means giving up eating Wheelers oysters on borrowed money and taking up shepherd's pie. It also means betraying spirits and sycophantising light ale and real ale. Of course, it would be churlish to ac- cuse all women of having settling down syn- drome. It's 66-1 against Nell Gwyn ever having told Charles II that she hoped he might change and settle down. (Incidental- ly, you may not know but Nell Gwyn was found drowned in a shallow stream in Chelsea. Pissed as a pudding, no doubt.) It's also doubtful that Emma Hamilton had these daft notions. Lady Byron on the other hand was a tremendous change-and-settle- down woman and what a ghastly bitch she was.
Now, there are certain conditions in and under which I could change and settle down. I could do it in Antibes with the Queen Mother and I could do it with Cyd Charisse in Barbados. It wottld entail tremendous sacrifices — I'd miss my hangovers — and I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror after having mowed a lawn or washed a car on a Sunday after- noon after helping with the washing-up and changing the odd nappy, but there's no doubt about it, there are ladies I'd give up talking to bailiffs for.
What I'm not quite sure about is whether it's the change or the settling down that's the hardest part. I think I have settled down in so far as I'm pretty set in my ways. I have come to terms with the fact that my dinner is in the oven and always will be. I have also
'You're so negative.'
learned to accept the fact that you only get out of life what you put into it. The sagacious prick who informed me of that piece of information would have had his teeth knocked out if I hadn't been in an alcoholic and diabetic coma at the time, but he Meant well. And, bless my soul, don't the ladies mean well when they ask you to change and settle down. Never trust people who mean well. Hitler probably meant well and Cromwell certainly hoped we'd change and settle down.
Anyway, I was tremendously flattered when this girl yesterday said to me, 'When I first saw you in the pub I thought to myself, what's that handsome man doing surround- ed by rogues?' Apart from her suspect eyesight she's answered her own question, if you see what I mean. Surrounded by rogues. Say no more. But, for her, I'd try to change and settle down. `Darling, I've ask- ed a few rogues to Sunday lunch. "No knickers" Joyce says she'll weed the border. Maltese Laurie's going to mow the lawn and Charlie says he'll carve the joint. We could play bridge in the evening and perhaps we might splash out on a bottle of sherry.' Oh Jeffrey, you're an absolute poppet. I'm so glad you've changed and settled down. You don't miss Soho and all those awful people, do you darling?' Of course not, my angel. Take your knickers off. Oops. Sorry. Forgot. We're married and settled down in Chislehurst.'
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