YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I am flying out to Tuscany next week to stay with some old friends. I have just heard that another old friend of mine, whom I have rather dropped, will be on the same flight. She will also be joining the house party. There would be no problem were it not for the fact that I recently gave quite a big dinner in Mark's Club and did not invite this person. Knowing our host as I do, I am sure his first words on greeting us at Pisa airport will be 'My dear! I hear your dinner was a triumph!' How can I prevent him from even mentioning it, given that he will be incommunicado until we meet at the airport?
A. Why not prepare a large piece of Elastoplast with the words 'Do not men- tion my dinner in Mark's Club' written on it? Keep this handy on a peel-off strip. As soon as your host hovers into view, stick the Elastoplast onto your forehead and barge clumsily towards him, blocking your friend's passage and also her access to a view of your forehead. Once your message has been communicated you can peel the Elastoplast off and dispose of it tidily. A.C., London SW6
Dear Mary..
Q. Whenever I find myself sharing a lift I am aware of an atmosphere of acute embarrassment that cannot be dispelled by any amount of staring at shoes, wristwatch, the floor numbers being lit up in succession . . . In circumstances of such enforced inti- macy I feel it incumbent upon me to make conversation, yet what could it be about? Only something crass like the weather, as one is all too aware of imminent interrup- tion should the lift suddenly stop. Could you advise me of the correct procedure in such a scenario?
C.B., Banning Maidstone, Kent A. A bleak smile is more than adequate in such scenarios. However, if you really feel driven to speak why not pretend you have pressed the wrong button — then make a joke of your own stupidity?
Q. I am thinking of giving a fancy dress party (for adults) with the dress code 'Come as a Child'. I feel this would be a rather clever way of enabling guests to look rather young without being accused of being 'mutton dressed as lamb'. What do you think?
CA, Salisbury.
A. Regrettably such parties do not tend to work in this country, as Englishmen will invariably interpret the dress code as an opportunity to suck bottles, throw food and pretend to cry like babies. Many husbands will also insist on wearing gymslips, thus making their wives miserable. Why not have a masked ball instead? This is a more satisfactory way of disguising evidence of ageing.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to Mary Killen, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WC1N 2LL.
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