LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENTS
By HELEN SIMPSON
NO doubt of it, the back page is the one to go for. Editors edit news ; that is what they are paid for. Leaders, like other exponents of the Fiihrer prinzip, are apt to take their tone from big business. Special correspondents, con- fronted with the views of the censor in whatever country they are sent to, have to correspond or quit. You cannot trust the front (or middle) page to give you an impartial picture of any people's preoccupations. But the back page, the Petites Annonces, the Annunzi—these are incorruptible.
A French newspaper of yesterday's date tells me by these means that a large Mushroomery is for sale near Paris, and reminds intending buyers that the market for mushrooms is perpetual. A lady teaches spelling to correspondents of any age. A matrimonial bureau invites clients to create for themselves lasting and legitimate happiness: Mar. Legaux exclusivement. For those who avail themselves of this in- vitation, and whose natural hopes are fulfilled, a number of midwives hold themselves in readiness a tie hre. Should the promised happiness discover any flaw, a private detective, discreet, can at once be on the job. Then there are the ladies who have visions, Sundays included, and advise via the stars upon matters of business or love. Lastly, a list of cabarets open all night: —Paradis (ex Nudistes), Tabarin, Luna Park— A dictator reading this page would be appalled at its apparent refusal to assume that the future of Europe will differ in any way from its past. He might also, if he were a dictator with a tinge of reading, catch from that last name an echo, disturbing, of Hugo's great poem, Luna:- 11 tient sous clef ressaim fickle Des fermes penseurs, des ;tiros, Mais r lac. avec un coup d'aile Ecartera les durs barreaux, Et comme en ran quatre-vingt-onze Reprendra son vol souverain; Car briser la cage de bronze C'est facile a l'oiseau d'airain.
His own Annunzi, however, would sooth this brief dis- quiet. Here the language professors all teach German. The second-hand motor-cars are all of respectable Axis proven- ance. Serious-minded persons offer each other baroque furniture and typewriters of approved ancestry. Plenty of businesses making profits (but changing hands); plenty of money to be had on loan ; plenty of cures for piles. It is all in order, complete with an official rap on the knuckles for persons who use this means of public communication for unworthy purposes, or for jokes ; " publicity should be rationally .and loyally used, and not made the means of deception." Ho, hum! Well, it is all very orderly, except for the superlatives—grandiosissime! occasionissime!—at once grandiloquent and cajoling, like his own speeches.
A Scandinavian back page, in strong contrast to its opposite number in Italy, has variety and even a joke or two. " Whiskey, where are thou? " runs the heading under which his owner seeks a " sort of " Scotch terrier of that name, wearing tartan collar when last seen. There is none of the placatory and despairing tone of the English advertisements for servants. This is casual. A cheerful and well-behaved girl might find a good place with an elderly lady if she cared to apply ; a smart girl—she sounds it too, flunk pike—could have work in a house full of children if she were to call at a certain address. As for the travel advertisements adjuring people to visit Jugoslavia and such countries, they are all miracles of optimism.
I hope with all my heart that no foreigner is trying this game with English newspapers. Lacking that consciousness of rectitude which enables us publicly to turn back-somer- saults while insisting that an upright posture is the only thinkable one for Englishmen, he might fall into rash judge- ments. He would, being a stranger, first study the leader page with attention. There he would find that the spirit of England has never been higher, that the sole result of the air menace has been to strengthen in all Britons the deter- mination never to be slaves, and that the public has every confidence in those precautions which are being taken for its safety.
Much impressed, and turning then idly to the back page for the main purpose of practising his English, he would discover, in the columns devoted to the letting and selling of country houses, announcements of this kind : - " Beautiful Welsh Border. OUTSIDE DANGER AREA, well-built house 5 bed. 2 sit. Owner will accept—" a thumping premium, with which (though this is not stated) he no doubt intends to buy something even better built, with a constant supply of tinned air.
Or this " HOUSEPROUD COUPLE, unwilling to witness possible devastation of their perfect cottage by billeted refugees, will let to careful tenant."
Or this, from a near-by column :— " Messrs. X. specialise in the building and equipment of garden refuges. Guaranteed proof against blast and splinter.
THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN."
Thus subtly, and without intention, the advertising man- ager cancels out those bluff statements of the Fithrer-blatt. Not even the robustness of golf and riding tutors, nor the blandishments of those offering to paint Attractive Children of Gentlepeople can quite iron out the impression of vague but pervading funk which these little announcements dis- close.
Foreigners must be frightened, too ; it would be humbling indeed if they were not. I wonder where one ought to look for the signs.
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