No. 1360: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for an extract from a farce involving customers and staff of a restaurant whose advertisement features the words: 'Clan- destine Liaisons Catered For. The Maitre d' Has a Sense of Humour.'

The actual restaurant in question is an Indian one. I had hoped to be able to report personally on a laughable scene there, but last week flu lowered my cour- age and I funked the visit. Your response to my challenge was eager but mainlY unskilled and unfunny enough to make Ben Travers twiddle in his grave. I freely admit that this was an unsuccessful com- petition and pass on to the prize-giving, always a pleasure. The three winners, printed below (in all fairness I couldn't ada to their number) are awarded £12 each and the bonus bottle of Vosne Romanee Les Beauxmonts 1980, presented by the Chelsea Arts Club, goes to Noel Petty. May I renew my habitual pleas for competitors to type their entries if possi" ble, to post early and to use first-class mail? It hurts me more than it hurts the competitor (who will never know) when I have to disqualify a potentially Prize- winning entry for lateness.

The Randy Langoustine. Geoffrey and Sue lunching. Geoffrey: Oh my God, that's Barbara coming in with Hector Pole. Where can I hide? Maitre d': (Smoothly forward) Under the table,

sir. Madame, would you care to be under table four? (To newComers) This way, sir. Geoffrey: Not here, you fool.

Hector: I beg your pardon? Maitre d': Quite clear and cool. For the time of year. Would you care to order?

Barbara: Oh darling!

Hector: I know, darling! Geoffrey: You sodding Judas! You sodding Judas!

Maitre d': Two orange juices. Right away. Enter Edward and Priscilla.

Maitre d': Good day, sir, madame.

Hector: Good grief, it's Priscilla! (Seizes tabk- cloth from table four, ties it round waist, grabs tray and makes for kitchen.)

Edward: (Sees Sue exposed under table) Darling!

Sue: Darling! Priscilla: (Recognising Hector) Darling! Hector: Darling!

Barbara: (Bewildered) Darling!

Geoffrey: (Emerging) Yes, darling? Maitre d': Ha, ha, ha . . . (Noel Petty) Scene: The interior of the Clandestine Liaisons Restaurant. This excerpt begins with the Waiter taking the order from a couple seated at one of the tables.

W: Mock-turtle-dove soup — oui — followed by the Bummalo Thario with hartijokes with sweet hearts. And champagne, M'sieur? We keep Mumm. He: No, a bottle of your Sub-Rosa. I like one with plenty of good body. W: Certainement, M'sieur. (He departs) He (to her): Do you like Bombay duck? It's a fish.

She: Never been there, darling, but I'm not surprised it's a fish. Everything's decidedly fishy here. Look who's drinking at the Bar Sinister.

He: Heavens! And the old so-and-so told me he was taking hi wife to see L'Elisir d'Amore! She: And instead he's drinking it with a floosie. Quick — turn your head and look at the sweet-trolleys. (The Maitre d' wheels one up to her.) M.d: You like to see? Voila — les sweetypies et les sugardaddies! She: Not yet, thank you. Al.d: You try later? Mais oui! She: No, you mayn't. (Joyce Johnson) Man and woman sit at table. She: It's awfully dark. sile: Yes, but they say it's awfully private. he: But where is everybody, waiters and

things?

(Computer rises in table.)

Voice: In order to preserve privacy of patrons all

orders are dealt with by computer. Please order now. She: Isn't this exciting? He: Yes, do you know you're sitting on my hand? She: Oh, sorry, it's so dark. Now you're sitting on my lap.

She: Sorry, darling. Oops! What am 1 on now? &Ian: Nice of you to drop in, but you're

squashing my banana. flambe. ,she: Sorry. Ugh! What a mess. Where's the ladies' room, darling? Where are you, darling? lie: Over here, darling. Here, I'll help. Oh! What's that? woman: Do you mind, your hand's in my entree! He: Sorry, Darling? Waiter? Anyone? (Prods buttons on computer. Lights go on.) Voice: Loading error! Loading error! (Katie Mallett)