YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am landlord of a mediaeval hostelry north of Dartmoor. My custom is drawn from our tiny village and from those sur- rounding, forming a small, disparate but sur- prisingly convivial crowd. But we have among us a Great Bore, a technocrat from some obscure discipline, and he has opinions which he inflicts upon anyone who happens to be adjacent. Once started, he is impossible to deflect; he just trundles on, very slowly and with great self-satisfaction, never notic- ing whether his interlocutor is brusquely monosyllabic, despairingly silent, fuming, or gibbering like an ape and hanging from the ancient roof beam. This fellow has been banned from other hostelries. I would rather not be so extreme, as he is actually a kind fellow and it behoves us to accept all men. But how to protect my other customers?
Name and address withheld.
A. Why not take a tip from F.E. Smith who, when told by the 9th Duke of Marlborough that the biggest bore in London was coming to stay in order to render useful advice on the subject of reinforced concrete, offered to produce a bigger bore within a radius of ten miles from Blenheim, and to back him in a Contest? As related by Hugh Massingberd in Blenheim Revlsite4 F.E. dug out a crony from his Oxfordshire Yeomanry days whose subject was fox-hunting in all its aspects, and he was confident enough to wager £10 on him against the cement expert. F.E. told his nominee that his opponent's passion was fox-hunting, and he told the other competi- tor that the Oxfordshire Yeoman was keenly interested in problems of reinforced con- crete. Thus briefed, they were left alone together for half an hour, and when the doors were opened the London visitor was found to be asleep — his opponent leaning eagerly forward and saying, 'You think I went through the gate, I didn't: I went over the stile, and now I am going to tell you why.' Surely you too could recruit another bore from within a radius of ten miles from your hostelry — even another technobore, perhaps — with the inducement of lively debate. Once the pair have been introduced to one another they will be away like the clappers, leaving the rest of your guests to get on with their own enjoyments.
Q. On my way to and from work I have the good fortune to walk under the colonnade outside the Ritz. With the dreadful weather we are having, I have to use an umbrella on my journey. Along with many other trav- ellers, I do not know if I should take down my brolly for the 50 yards, which hardly seems worthwhile, or if I should walk along with it up, which for obvious reasons seems a bit silly. Crossing the road to avoid the colon- nade is awkward in this part of Piccadilly.
P.D.C.W., Chelsea, London.
A. Under normal circumstances it is consid- erate to take down an umbrella when pass- ing under a colonnade, if only for the sake of superstitious pedestrians who might other- wise suffer vicarious anxiety on your behalf. In the case of the Ritz, however, you might like to use the brolly as a sideways shield to protect yourself during the short walk from the vulgarity of the shops in the arcade.
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