SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 89

Report by Richard Usborms A prize of £5 was offered for the first Impressions of any four of the following on arriving at the Pearly Gates: Father Brown, Berry Pleydell, Sherlock Holmes, Walter Mitty, Lord Emsworth, Lord Peter Wimsey, Mr. Salteena, Mr. Jingle. The weight of evidence suggests that Holmes took Watson in with him, that Lord Peter took Harriet and Bunter, and that Lord Ems- worth and his pig are together again. Mr. Salteena seems to have won Ethel in heaven, which is satisfactory snubs to the hard-hearted young Ashford girl. Walter Mitty apparently didn't shake off his wife, but Berry, unable at the supremo moment to resist saying "Go to hell" to his kith and kin (Jennifer Ramage, q.v.), probably lost dear Daphne. Here are some of the better offerings from other than prize-winning entries.

SHERLOCK HOLMES

(As St. Peter approaches): "Seafaring, by his walk ; Levantine; a non-smoker • a fisherman." (Suddenly, in a loud voice): "Cock-a- doodle-doo I I "—(R. Kennard Davis.) "I am glad to observe that you have reserved a cloud for me next to Dr. Watson. The presence of a violin upon it in place of the more usual harp made its recognition mere child's play."—(Frances Coiling- wood.)

FATHER BROWN

"The odd thing about the Pearly Oates, you know, is not that they're pearly, but that they are gates. Many people forget gates let people out as-well as in. Its really important that Someone once came out.' — (Taillefer.)

LORD PETER WIMSEY

Lord Peter, who 'mew all styles of architecture, was struck silent by this Unfamiliar perfection. He, who had the entrée to most places, dropped his assurance for a moment. "My dear Bunter," be said gently, "give me your hand."—(A. M. Sayers.)

MR. JINGLE

"Peter, Sir ? Humble servant ... name Alfred Jingle . . • hope not intruding . . . pearly gates real stuff . . . no shoddy . . . capital . . . gladly assist any capacity . . . melodious harp player . . . very . . . tireless performer . . . great admirer cherubim . . . good mixer seraphim ... get amongst them ... pig's whisper . . . capital, capital." -- (E. W. Fordham.)

MR. SALTEENA

"What a sumshious spot, I hope I shall be all right. I will step in as Lord Hyssops, which is more seemly than Alf Salteena. I will copy Lord Clincham's deeds. Earls are sure to be reverunt and quite the thing."—(E. W. Fordham.)

LORD EMSWORTH " Empress I " cried Lord Emsworth, with deep emotion. "I thought she'd be here." Lovingly he poked his stick through the gates: "'Pon

my soul, she's lost weight I knew the altitude wouldn't agree with bar. I'll never trust that parson again "—(Jennifer Ramage.) • . WALTER MITTY Tappeta, tappeta, Walter Mitty strode through. "Could you possibly deputise ? " "I can try," he drawled. Casting his crown nonchalantly down beside the glassy sea, he nodded coolly to the harpists and raised his baton. Hallelujah, hallelujah, Tappet a. Everyone stood up.— (Taillefer.)

BERRY PLEYDELL Berry wiped the honey from his trousers thoughtfully. "You know, somebody should have warned me. No, you needn't wait. Besides, you have a long and, er, warm journey ahead. Oh, and leave mc the manna- opener, will you ? "—(Jennifer Ramage.)

"Am I to understand that my bodily sustenance shall bereinafter Consist solely of milk and honeydew, to the continual accompaniment harps, damaging to the appetite and hampering to the digestive juices? " —(F. C.) First prize (f.2) to Allan M. Laing. Ll each to A. D. C. Pelersou, H. A. C. Evans and Rev. A. Whigham Price, whose entry there is unfortunately no room to print.

FIRST PRIZE (ALLAN M. LAING) N1R. SALTEENA: "So mutc.h jewlery is a bit over powering, I think. I supose it will be a very supearier levie, he added, wiping the foaming dew from his forehead.'

SHERLOCK Holmes: "I have made a study of pearls, and were these genuine they would presuppose the existence of oysters larger than whales. Which is nonsense, Therefore your pearls hre false. Elementary, my dear W--er---St. Peter."

MR. JINGLE: "Excuse me—breathless, slightly—long climb—steep, very I Alt, the Pearly Gates—magnificent—dazzling—incredible- burglar's dream—oyster's nightmare—what price necklace, eh 7—Much too gorgeous for an empress—More behind, what ? Gratifying—Very l" FATHER BROWN: "I had always understood that the Pearly Gates were a mere figure of speech. I really wanteld to enter Heaven by a little wooden door. Would it be putting your about too much ? "

SECOND .PRIZES

(A. D. C. PETERSON) , SIIERLOCK HOLMES : " Quick, Watson, a hansom. You detect the characteristic note of harps ? We shall not find our quarry here. Hell for leather, cabby, and double fare if you get there before them."

MR. SALTEENA: "Why, Ethel," cried Mr. Salteena, "what sumptious portles. They are malty quite the thing and encrusted with costly pearls. Do you think we should knock ? "

FATHER BROWN: "Oh, yes, of course ; but you see I couldn't help knowing all along in which direction we were travelling. It is precisely because we are all swine that we have been cast before pearls."

LORD PETER WIMSEY "0 quanta quail(' . . eh, Harriet ? We've had a long trip as dull sublunary lovers, my dear, but I'm glad we've come home together—even if it means enduring Denver's conversation through eternity."

(H. A. C. EvAtqs) MR. SALTEENA: As the sumpshous premisis heaved in sight Mr. Salteena gaized in amasement at the marbul stairs and beautifull pillers and hansom portles and other good dodges of a rich nature. It is more wonderfull than the Crystale Pallace, he breathed respectfully.

WALTER MrrTv: "Approach, Archangel Mitty," cried the Voice. As he strode forward, the lesser spirits bent low in adoration and he heard their awed murmurs. "The newest Archangel." "Curtains for Gabriel." "The grandest guy in heaven, bar One." "I was his wife."

LORD PEI'ER WIMSEY Wimsey shrugged. "Well, this .seems to be it, old dear," he observed. "A somewhat outré display of the more obvious neo-Byzantine extravagancies. A bit too ostentatious for my liking. But I suppose it's better.than sulphur and hot clinkers."

Ma. JINGLE: Well, well, heaven at last—I often wondered—but no mistake—Pearly Gates—angels singing—St. Peter waiting—big book— wonder what's in it about me—too late now—'an't be helped—here We go—amazing, very.