YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. I am an antique dealer dealing with what we call in the trade important furniture. My Problem is that my social life is not my own. Whenever I go into anyone's house for drinks, dinner, for whatever (social) reason they tend to say 'While you're here . . and to start showing me pieces of Victori- ana worth about £50. How can I politely discourage friends and acquaintances from taking me on guided tours of their houses When I am looking forward to relaxing?
M. W. W1 4. Why not take your cue from one well "own social art dealer who handles this Problem in the following way. "While you're here,"' he ripostes in genial manner. That's going to be the title of my autobiog- raphy!' He then follows his host or hostess pleasantly towards the objet, but finds that HIS remark has disconcerted them suffi- ciently to preclude his being shown more than one piece of unimportant furniture.
Q. Winter is nigh upon us, and I am ever conscious of the rule that a gentleman does !lot wear his hat indoors. For this purpose, Is a London railway terminus to be regard- ed as indoors or outdoors? Is Waterloo Sta-
Dear
Mary.. •
tion a room with a very high ceiling or merely a (semi-) enclosed piece of sky? Whether I wear my hat or carry it, people stare at me as I stumble across the con- course, because of the appalling moral in- decision etched on my face. Please release me from this extreme sartorial torment.
R.M. SW13 A. Waterloo definitely counts as being out of doors, so you may walk boldly through the concourse with your hat still firmly on your head. Be thankful that you do not suf- fer from the condition of 'Phantom hat' which affects many people who return to this country following a holiday in the trop- ics. The nightmarish sensation of constantly trying to remove a hat which is no longer
on the head, but whose spirit imprint remains, has driven many to distraction in the three or so days that it takes for the symptoms to subside.
Q. I regularly drive down to London from my farm in Suffolk hitting the East End round about pub closing time. As I have a new J Reg BMW, I am beginning to feel increasingly threatened by drunken youths at traffic lights. Is there any foolproof way of deflecting the mob's attention from my car?
TB. Clare, Suffolk A. You might try the disguise of wearing dark reflective glasses which could help you to pass as an East End 'hood' or even as a local lad made good, such as David Essex. Another way of camouflaging yourself, or at least conferring solidarity, would be for you to chew violently on chewing gum with your mouth open when your car pauses at If you have a problem, write to 'Dear Mary', The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL,
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