No. 1237: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for part of an election speech by Mr Tar- quin Fintimlinbinwhainbimlim Bus Stop- F'Tang-F'Tang-Ole Biscuit Barrel, the re- cent candidate who hoped to get the fewest votes ever recorded.
I was glad to note that some of you were aware that the present record-holder is the undeterrable Lieut.-Commander Boaks on behalf of his Land Sea and Air Democratic Monarchist Public Safety White Resident and Women's Party. Your approaches to the 'lost deposit' problem varied from Swif- tian modest proposals to outright gibberish (too easy). Peter Norman's orator advertis- ed 'a party of moderation prepared to opt out of the decision-making process altogether, a party not afraid to disappear up its own navel', Rob Hull's man ended, `What I have promised, and what I promise you now, is that when you reach the end of the road you will know you have got there', Basil Ransome-Davies's Barrel called for a return to the good old Dunkirk days of coupons, snoek and mashed swede, and Julian's warned the electorate to beware of impostors adopting a similar name to con- fuse them. A good zany entry: £10 apiece to the winners printed below.
These are my policies.
Pillows and duvets will be issued free of charge to British Rail drivers.
A Stalin Memorial Fund will be established with government support.
Adult citizens with no domestic pets will be con- scripted for street-cleaning night and morning. A public suit-wrinkler will be appointed for the personal use of Mr Michael Foot.
An interest-free loan will be made to the Argen- tine government to enable it to purchase the Falkland Islands.
Parking meter attendants will be given powers of arrest.
Mrs Bernadette McAliskey will be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
A coal tax will be imposed to provide miners and their families with holidays abroad twice a year. Car-owners will be required to make one journey by public transport each day.
. . . which brings me to the syllable. Il ble. Mwha.ipn,otnhaaltd's) W. Warmonger, H. Holocaust, A. Armageddon, I. Inferno, N. Nagasaki, proceeding immediately upon the whimsical assonance of the preceding syllables. Symbolically this too has many mean- ings pertinent to my platform, derivative, as it is, of the carol A Whain the Manger, i.e. I am a crypto-Christian paedophile; but it is also a col', ruption of my opposition to EXIT (i.e. WaY Out), pronounced Whay(y)-in(n) viz. my suPPort of reconstituting corpses for consumption; and homophonically, it is 'Weigh-In' i.e. I advocate mass addiction to monosodium glutamate. The syllable similarly conjoins 'Wayne', viz. True Grit — I favour TV film repeats; it refines the pronunciation of 'wine' to 'whain' (I abominate it), or recalls my political touchstone, I do not know whain the recession will end. Thus, I con- jure you again, vote for my opponent, Coln" mander Boaks. Now for an exegesis of bim.. • (Belle R. Welling) The time is now ripe for reflation — funded 0f course by the abolition of index-linked pensions, benefits and savings bonds. Nor should we forget what is undoubtedly one of the great social Pro- blems facing this country today, the immigrant communities from the so-called New Com- monwealth, to which my answer is simple: coin' pulsory repatriation — enabling us at least to think of one of our own Crown Colonies and of fer a home to the Hongkong Chinese if events out there follow their present likely course. (The presence in this country of so intelligent and in' dustrious a people will provide British industrY with just the competitive spur it so badly needs')
Turning now to the problems of Ireland. • ic
• We in the Silly Party stand f(oRroFbreeretdDoanl vosf) Names: for example, last week my name was Janet Pinwheedler, next week it will be Cuthbert Qwertyuiop. When we gain power, everyone! name will change each week — this will provtdll entertainment and cure unemployment (theY all work for the London Telephone Directory)• The whole country must attend our conferences on Lundy Island, except for party members: thl does not matter, because by then we shall be the Conservative Party. Our policies are: to declare war on America' abolish Parliament, repeal the laws of therin,o; dynamics, drive on the right when there is an r, in the month, give Channel 4 to party broadcasts and to speak Urdu. for If you don't promise right now not to vote us, I shall start talking like a real politician! , C. Causer' Allow me to be serious for a moment. Could work, you ask, government without Well, what has it ever done for you? What doe s.1, ever do for anyone but keep a bunch of hal!t pickled hacks in pickling fluid? And I issue fa,141 warning now, those who dabble in mix politics metaphor when I come to power will onlyP°bleitcitilt ting off their noses to make a rod for their own backs. That sort of thing is the hair-line crae: which is going to drown our society as we kn°, it. But I intend to start at the top and strike ate„ very roots of the sickness. The conjunction !! be devalued forthwith! The mixed metaphor iS resting on its last legs! Let's all have a fair crack of the cake! And, I ask you, has anY other can; duideasttepaid proper attention to the rhetorical question? ion?
(N. J. Warburton)
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