YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. What is the protocol regarding the use of remote-control de-locking devices? A car belonging to a neighbour of mine has, on a number of recent occasions, suddenly jolted into life while I was walking past it. This not only startles me but also leaves me with a vague feeling of victimhood. The next moment, of course, I notice my neighbour, still some distance away, coming breezily along the street. Would you agree that there is something rude about his behaviour, or am I overreacting to the extent that I should seek psychological help?
B.J., London SW!
A. You are quite right to be sensitive about these matters. Your neighbour is clearly suf- fering from one of the syndromes that might come under the umbrella term of Electronic- Device Trophyism. As our lives become increasingly mechanised and characterised by involuntary interaction with machines and alarm bells, it is very important that we do not add to the dehumanising process by los- ing our grasp on the most ordinary manners. Next time he does it when you are walking by, you should exaggerate your symptoms of shock. Peer anxiously into the offending vehicle before spinning round in an unstable balletic movement towards the man, then gasp '000h, you didn't 'alf give me a shock!' He will soon be forced to rethink his flam- boyant ways. Q. What is the correct drill regarding nap- kins today? If one is not presented, should one use one's own handkerchief if needs must, or should you ask your hostess for some kitchen roll?
Name withheld, London SW12 A. Next time you find you are not supplied with a crisp, damask, double-lined napkin, draw attention to your hostess's meanness by asking her for some lavatory paper.
Q. How can I gently draw to the attention of a close friend that, since his girlfriend left him some months ago, his standards of personal presentation have undergone something of a lapse? My friend (who has only himself to blame – he refused to com- mit himself to marriage after five years of going out with the most exquisite girl) is in his late forties and is starting to thin on top. My wife tells me that, when he last visited us, she noted that he was suffering from a senescent form of cradle cap, to say nothing of some large blackheads positioned at piv- otal points around the face. His morale is too low for us to bring up these cosmetic problems directly but he is coming to stay again for a weekend soon. What do you suggest we do, Mary?
Names and address withheld A. Collude with another male friend to pre- tend he is coming for the weekend too. Then, shortly after your bachelor friend arrives, stage a conversation in front of him whereby your husband announces that the man in question has cried off and that 'by the way, he's booked some travelling beau- tician to come up tomorrow morning and he can't get in touch with her to cancel. He says he'll still pay her but can someone else take the treatment on his behalf as he doesn't want her to feel she's come all this way for nothing?' You and your wife can then insist that the bachelor takes the treat- ment and, having briefed the beautician whom you have, of course, recruited locally yourselves, leave it up to her to remove the cosmetic defects and lecture him on the error of his ways.
If you have a problem, write to Dear May, do The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WC1N 2LL.
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