SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 76

Report by E. W. Fordham

Walter Bagehot said : " A man's mother Is his misfortune : his wife is his fault." A prize of f5 was offered for three new epigrams on domestic relations.

I was apprehensive of mothers-in-law, nervous of aunts, and rather anxious about babies. My fears were not wholly unjustified ; but so much wit and ingenuity has been displayed that I have no complaints to make, except that it is extremely difficult to arrive at a fair judgement. It is clear that most competitors are world-weary cynics, almost all are unhappily married, and that all who are married detest the relatives of husband or wife as the case may be. But now to cut the cackle.

Many entries have one epigram that took my fancy ; some have two ; a very few have three. For crisp acidity I liked, " In-laws are outlaws " (A. M. Sayers). " Mother's a bother ; Wife's another " (J. H. Meiklejohn). " A kitchen shared is a larder bared " (T. S. Barnes), and " Where there's a Will there's a wail" (Susan Miles). Less crisp, but equally acid, are: "It is the first law of heredity that the faults of children are derived from the other parent " (W. B. Wake), and " Married happiness consists largely of making allowanr•.es—especially dress allowances " (M. James). -

Since there are no completely triumphant entries, justice, I fear, demands severe mincing of the prize money lest many highly- deserving entrants go empty away.

I am, therefore, allotting prizes of 15s. to F. A. V. Madden, W. M. L. Escombe, R. James and Arthur Rowan, and 5s. to each of eight other competitors. Name and address of Susti, please.

PRIZES (F. A. V. MADDEN) It is diplomatic to maintain friendly relations—espe,cially if they are your wife's. " Watch your step, mother. We don't want a stepfather." A man's wife is his own fault. His children may be someone else's.

(W. M. L. Escomm.) It is better to be a dear old thing than wonderful for your age. Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs. Get her to fry them for you. It is a wise child that doesn't know as much as its own father.

(R. JAMES) Marriages are made in heaven ; but divorce often brings heaven nearer earth.

When Mr. and Mrs. are stretched to Mister and Mistress marriage lines rarely stretch to match. A honeymoon is the beginning of marriage: the end comes when the honey finds the old moon.with a new moon in his arms.

(ARTHUR ROWAN) A husband may make the laws, but his wife decides the customs. Cupid has wings with which he often leaves a home. More often grows in our lawn than mother thought she had sown there.

(JocEnN C. LEA) Any husband can think his wife is an angel, but not even a widower can be sure that she is one.

(DOUGLAS HAWSON) A peach's sister is too often a gooseberry.

(ALLAN M. LAING)

When fathers freely wild oats sow What.wonder if in sons they grow ? And yet it seems the world would rather Condemn the son than blame the father.

(Mits. D. S. WALKER)

A chip of the old block shows which way the wind by-blew.

(FRANK DUNNILL)

The law that precludes ma-triage with one's divorced wife's sister must have been enacted ex abundanti cauiela, for it can seldom happen that anyone wishes to acquire the same mother-in-law twice.

(Susi.° Children of the first-marriage minetheir step. ra:Ir.-Com. G. W. R. NICHOLL) Nothing will make a marriage bankrupt more quickly than a sleeping partner.

(JOAN BATES)

Women are—women, but mothers are different.