MR POOTER GOES TO EUROPE
Leo Mainstry reports on the ludicrous, pompous and self-regarding press releases of Britain's Euro MPs
THE languid Edwardian prime minister A.J. Balfour once warned a Tory colleague about the dangers of joining the Carlton: 'It is a beastly club infested by the worst of species, the bore political.' If Balfour had been alive today, he would have transferred such feelings of withering contempt from London clubland to Brussels. For there are more bores to be found in the European Parliament than in any other political institution.
Indeed, the modern MEP is a titan of tedium, a figure whose every action spreads ennui through our civic life. Only a hardline bore would actually want to handle the pettifogging bureaucratic activities of the European Parliament, and only a true bore could possibly think that the pontificating and prattling of MEPs could be of the slightest interest to anyone outside their number. 'MEP to meet members of the South-East Regional Network of the TUC,' trumpets the office of Labour's Mark Watts.
This is the same office that recently informed us that Mr Watts 'has accepted an invitation to become vice-president of the British Resorts Association', and had chaired a conference of the Association of Regional Maritime Interests in Europe. In the same vein, we are supposed to be captivated by the news from the office of Andrew Duff. Liberal Democrat MEP for the East of England, that this month he met the chairman of the British Metals Recycling Association. Other thrilling announcements have included: 'Duff to visit south-east Turkey'; 'Duff calls on government to address the federal question'; 'Duff supports fish reform'; and 'Duff backs moves to stop junk email', though he might have made a start with his own publicity machine. He is also the author of a Euro document on 'fundamental rights', known, unfortunately but somehow appropriately, as the 'Duff Report'.
British Euro MPs are, of course, extremely well compensated for the dullness of their work, They earn the same salary as members of the House of Commons — £55,118 — but have much more generous allowances: they can claim, for instance, secretarial support costs of £96,000 per year. In addition, they have a weekly attendance subsidy of £770. even if they spend five days at home. First-class air travel is another perk of the job, while the network of lobbyists in Brussels is so widespread that an MEP can dine free every night of the week.
But all the most generous taxpayer-funded expenses cannot disguise the fact that MEPs lack any sort of status, which is what politicians really crave: 'We came here for fame,' another Tory prime minister, Disraeli, once said to a fellow MP, explaining the ambition to enter the Commons, No matter what Euro MPs pretend, they lack any such celebrity. Even a local district councillor is more influential than an MEP, A recent survey by MORI found that, while more than 50 per cent of people could name their MP, fewer than 10 per cent knew who their MEP was.
That is why, like so many bores, MEPs suffer from a mixture of chronic insecurity and bloated self-importance. Aware of their own despised positions, they demand constant attention, boasting alternately of their vast global involvement and their keen local concern. Typical is the northwest Labour MEP Gary Titley. On the one hand, Titley likes to pose as a diplomatic genius; so we are told that, as a member of the European Parliament's foreign affairs committee, Titley 'helped pave the way for Austria, Finland and Sweden to join the EU in 1995'. On the other hand, no event is too trivial for this Metternich of modern Europe to blast across the airwaves: 'Tasty treats will be on the menu for Salford's MEP Gary Titley when he visits local company Freshbake Foods at Ordsall, whose factory produces a range of savoury pastry products including pies, pasties and sausage rolls.' announces a recent press release.
Global bombast also dominates the work of Glyn Ford, one of those tiresome leftwingers for whom anti-racism has replaced economic socialism as a guiding ideology. Through his website we learn that Ford has `spoken in opposition to the death penalty in Japan', has drawn the attention of MEPs to the 'increasingly repressive regime of Malaysia', has talked of 'the threat of Maoist rebels to the constitutional monarchy in Nepal', condemned the decision of Italian football club Perugia to sack its Korean striker Ahn Jung-Hwan, and organised a protest against Jean Marie Le Pen.
Ford's Labour colleague Richard Corbett bewails the lack of media coverage of the European Parliament, though it is hardly a surprise given some of the material emerging from his office. Thus he has put out statements reporting that he had 'spoken to a graduate workshop at the Centre for Legislative Studies at Hull University' and had organised a trip for 17 local constituents to Brussels. The constituents, he claimed, were 'delighted to be in Parliament on the day that the presidency was switched from Spain to Denmark'. I bet they were. Corbett is also responsible for the most asinine press release in this history of British public relations: 'Two final year students from the University of Huddersfield visited the European Parliament last week.'
Pompous but anxious, MEPs have a suspicion of freedom and an urge to control others. So they are forever demanding clampdowns and crackdowns, restrictions and regulations. Brian Simpson, Labour MEP for the North-West, is characteristic of this outlook, calling for more restraints on children in cars and lower alcohol limits on the roads. He also wants a ban on small toys in cereal packets. Warning of the 'toyswallowing' menace, Simpson claims that 'more children will die' if action is not taken by the European Commission to outlaw 'inedibles placed or sold in foodstuffs'. MEPs are also fond of overstating the benefits of their interventions. Thus one minor package of rule changes for airlines was hailed by the Scottish MEP David Martin as 'the dawn of a new era. Air passenger travel will never be the same again.' Tell that to those queuing for hours at Gatwick or Heathrow.
Like Mr Pooter, our MEPs seem to think that everything they do is of compelling interest. There is nothing more dreary than looking at someone else's photo album, yet the publicity of Euro MPs is full of such stuff. On the website of the Tory MEP Roger Helmer, we can view such exciting images as 'Roger at the Crufts dog show with Mrs Bailey and her two deerhounds', 'Roger at the Denby pottery factory', 'Roger meeting members of the 1922 Committee' and 'Roger at the Triumph motorcycle factory in Hinckley'. Fellow Conservative Giles Chichester is even more Pooterish, delving far back into his past on his website: 'Myself at riding school as a young boy', 'Rowing in London in 1971' and 'At my degree ceremony in 1972.
Eryl McNally, Labour MEP for the East of England, takes this self-absorption to a point beyond parody. Her website is a cross
between one of those ghastly standard Christmas letters, full of self-regarding news about the family's successes, and a downmarket version of Hello! magazine: 'Eryl meets Joanna Lumley,' says the caption below one picture; 'Eryl has loft and cavity wall insulation installed in her house — she will make savings of £.1122 says another. There is a photo of Eryl with her first grandchild, called Leo, just like her party leader's youngest son, and one of her giving a cookery demonstration in Portuguese: 'Eryl has been learning Portuguese,' we are told, `so she can more easily communicate with Portugal's MEPs.' But do they want to communicate with Ms McNally?
Like all bores, McNally is not shy of parading every detail of her so-called achievements. 'Eryl is elected to top post,' says one statement, the post turning out to be the European Socialist party's co-ordinator on the External Trade, Research and Energy Committee of the European Parliament. This kind of shallow boasting is common to all MEPs from every party. Tory MEP Den Dover has an absurd, selfcongratulatory 'Mission statement for 2002', which includes the aim to 'continue my very high attendance and voting records in Brussels and Strasbourg'. 'Claude Moraes won a British Diversity Gold Award in 1998 for achievement in the voluntary sector,' reports Moraes's office. 'Nick Clegg won a writing award from the FT in 19932 proclaims the website of the Lib Dem MEP for the East Midlands. 'Clegg to speak at cross-party landfill meeting': 'Clegg to quiz transport minister about future of transport in Nottinghamshire'; 'Clegg to tour National Grid facility' are just some other examples of his gripping pronouncements.
'A period of silence from you would be welcome.' Clement Attlee once told the garrulous socialist and Labour executive member Harold Laski. The same remark could be directed today at our overpaid, publicity-fixated MEPs.
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