YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
11141 Killen invited some of her favourite celebrities to share their problems with her: Q' My problem hasn't happened yet, so. it doesn't exactly fill the bill for your Christ- bine: Special. But it is only a matter of time tuet°re I will need your advice, so foe- will be forearmed. We live 1600 there north of London. When travelling ''')ere or back we drive 150 of those miles "'9ng the Ml. Usually the journey passes wi_hout incident, but every now and again there is a lengthy hold-up because of road- works or an accident. As all motorway trav- ellers know, you can't tell how long you MaY be stuck with no hope of moving. So What is to be done when, miles from a ser- vJee-station and hemmed in by other vehi- cles, someone in the car has an irresistible call of nature? Deborah Devonshire, Chatsworth, Derbyshire 4w. Why not take a tip from Lady Lambton hose chauffeur often sees her on to a coach at Victoria Station, then follows obehind the vehicle all the way to Durham? ne Physically striking Viscountess claims favour the coach journey as she can watch videos during the five or six hours of m„ otorway-queueing and thus use the time productively. No doubt, however, the hid- "en agenda of the lavatorial facilities on
Dear Mary. . .
board also plays a part in her preference.
Q. I wonder if you could advise me on the best way to wreak vengeance on some jour- nalists who have been uncivil about me? I understand that revenge is a dish best eaten cold and I have bided my time admirably. However, I now feel that action should be taken. As it happens, both my chief tor- mentors are short, balding and unusually plain. Upon which, if any, of these charac- teristics should I base my counter-offen- sive? I eagerly await your comments.
Elizabeth Hurley, London SW7 A. The physical defects you mention need not form the focus of any programme of punishment. Far better to use an all-pur- pose method whose results can be guaran- teed. First buy a copy of the record `Bohemian Rhapsody' (by Queen), then set
it a-going as you dial the numbers of your victims' answerphones at a time when they are likely to be out. Hold the mouthpiece up to the speaker and play the song in its entirety, calling back if necessary. On returning to their properties, victims will have to listen all the way through the night- marish 'song' before recovering their important messages. Mental disturbance is guaranteed as snatches from this most haunting of 'hits' will continue to go round and round in their heads for weeks to come.
At a drinks party one night, the conversa- tion shifted to the subject of the various professions. Philip Larkin remarked to a man standing next to him, 'I'll tell you which profession is the most underworked and overpaid — school teaching.' The man replied, 'I am a schoolteacher.' Larkin looked at him for a moment and then said, 'Well, then you'll know what I mean.' This proved to be the right thing to say.
Kingsley Amis, London NW1 A. Thank you for contributing this anecdo- tal material to my celebrity page.
More celebrity problems in two weeks' time.
Mary Killen
Previous page
