POLITICS

In which the New Year Honours list contains an unpleasant surprise for John Major

BORIS JOHNSON

The Prime Minister turned over his Trollope, sighed, and gazed at the roaring hearth. What' a year it had been, what ups and downs, and a carol of thanks rose in his h. eart as he thought of the denouement. By Judiciously dangling the prospect of a refer- endum before the foaming creatures of the Right, there was even a chance of produc- ing a semblance of unity over Europe. In the coming year, the scorched-earth strate- gy of the Queen's Speech, ingeniously void- ed of substance, would be vindicated, what- ever the mockers said. Where was it com- ing from, the next threat to his leadership? What was the cases Belli? . Nothing remained for the Euro-rebels to bite upon, poor, deluded de-whipped dolts, nothing for them to do but to pour out bile On late-night television, and then weave down Millbank to their pads in Dolphin Square, belching from red wine and curry sandwiches in the BBC hospitality room, or thinking in an ecstasy of frustration about the gentle hands of those make-up girls on Sky News. They'd written him off, and he'd outgeneralled them again. Oh yes. There was a soft knock on the door and Alex Allan, his Principal Private Secretary, slid in. 'Just the guest-list for the mince-pie and charades party at Chequers, Prime Minister. And the New Year Honours list. .‘'Ve've got the amalgamated list now, including the nominations from the For- eign Office and the MOD. The Prime Minister's eye skittered down the typed sheets. Douglas had a slightly naughty habit of giving out gongs to Brus- sels hacks who were 'helpful' about

Europe, but he supposed it was some

scheme of Sir John Kerr's. He nodded aPprovingly at the statutory pop stars and hus conductors, grunted at the finely Judged dispensation of baubles to various Conservative area agents who had taken It" trouble to victimise the dissenting MPs, make their wives cry and poison their con- stituency associations against them.

Taking his green ballpoint from his breast pocket, he scored out the name of a newspa- Pet editor, a right-wing columnist, and turned to the final page of the 200-odd names, the overseas section. To Allan's sea- soned eye, the Prime Minister visibly greyed. Honorary Knight Commander of the Most loud Order of the Bath,' he read out ioud in a throttled voice. 'Get me the For- eign Secretary,' he said. 'Immediately.' Douglas, when he arrived, was at his most praefectorial. 'As you know, John, our Community partners are sensitive to the level, ah, the rank, of these things. Any other decoration would be taken badly.' Hurd's arguments had evidently been mar- shalled in advance, and were magisterially deployed.

The honorand, he said, was a man who had not only offered up ten years of service to, amongst others, the British Govern- ment. He had been instrumental in treating the European Single Market, and in gener- ating a formidable volume of British and EC law. As head of the 13,000-strong EC civil service, comprising as it did a great many senior British officials, he had been to all intents and purposes a lynchpin of the British political establishment, eclipsing in importance the most numinous of White- hall Permanent Under Secretaries. After an immensely distinguished decade he was pass- ing up the chance to lead his country for aca- demic life, and the EIIR silver salver or gold watch would frankly not meet the case. As the Prime Minister knew, Hurd went on, this was part of the Essen package.

In exchange for support in the row with Spain over fishing the 'Irish Box', Chancel- lor Kohl had indicated a firm preference that his friend should carry off the KCB. The Prime Minister should know, too, that Malcolm had put him on the MOD list, in recognition of his work for the European Security and Defence identity. And the precedents were excellent. The Govern- ment, after all, had made identical gestures of appreciation to General H. Norman Schwarzkopf and Caspar Weinberger.

'But they were on our side,' Mr Major croaked. 'Where's Ryder?'

The Chief Whip, when he was found and brought to Downing Street, was not opti- mistic. It would be taken very badly on the back benches, he said. Frankly, it was the last thing they needed at the moment; might break the camel's back.

`Prime Minister,' warned Douglas, in that special voice he used when he was thinking about resigning and pitching the Govern- ment into terminal chaos, 'I must insist. I think you should know that Ken and Michael support me in this. Both the Michaels,' he added with meaning.

Sarah Hogg piped up soothingly. 'We gave one to Bob Geldof, and he was Irish'. The Prime Minister removed his specta- cles and gazed around him in naked fear. 'Are you trying to tell me that at one minute past midnight on 31 December, when the Honours list is published, the world will learn that Her Majesty the Queen has given an honorary Knighthood to Jacques Lucien Jean Delors?

`Well, I'm not having it.'

'I am afraid we still face a political diffi- culty, Prime Minister,' said Hurd with a cough. 'The news, alas, has already been leaked to the BBC.' The television was turned on and tuned to Newsnight. Nick Budgen strobed into view from the Birm- ingham studio. 'You might as well have expected George VI to have given an hon- our to Rommel,' raved the spiritual and intellectual heir of Enoch Powell.

'Oh, come off it,' said Jeremy Paxman. 'Didn't Jim Callaghan give a KCMG to Nicolae Ceausescu?'

On College Green, or filmed in their libraries stuffed with Pevsner, the Euro- rebels denounced the Prime Minister like a pack of yapping terriers, and demanded that the honour be blocked.

John Major looked from Hurd to Ryder, from Ryder to Hurd. He knew the reality of his position. To strike out Delors' name would be a surrender to the right-wing nationalists of a kind he had publicly abjured. His only course was to try to face the rebels down, as he had tried to face them down over the EC budget and VAT on fuel. It might, at last, be his undoing. But there seemed no choice. Even Michael Portillo was apparently demanding that the honour go ahead, in the interests of 'party unity'. The Prime Minister handed the New Year Honours list back to Alex Allan. 'Very well, then. Arise Sir Jacques,' he said.

Boris Johnson writes for the Daily Telegraph