Office life
Leaking invitations
Holly Budd
It saddens me to realise how much I've come to dislike Christmas. As a child it was magical, in my twenties it was holiday and 9Portunity but now it means more stress and responsibility. It means you are busier. It also means the office Christmas party. We had planned a little lunchtime buffet and a punch of Nigel's devising. Guests would be only the people we liked, ranging Ircwil Vi, our cleaner, to 'Streaky' Bacon, everyone's favourite gossip. They would be there because of who they were, not what. i, lb, en our Line Manager intervened, if hat s not too strong a word for negative Presence. He loitered to no obvious pur- Pose in my office, his eyes unblinking behind lenses so wide and thick you feel you're seeing each other through an aquar- ium and you half expect something exotic to swim between you. No such luck. He supposed 'we' ought to be doing something about a Christmas party. I said firmly that we were; what was he doing? I should have seen the trap because he hates decisions as much as parties. He thought it 'would appear to make sense' if he joined in ours, just a few 'appropriate' guests for whom he would contribute pro rata (mirthless chuck- le while jingling change in his pocket) and, yes, our premises were really very suitable, much better than cramming people into (i.e. messing up) his.
`We should call him the Bus Conductor,' said Nigel afterwards, 'for always jingling his money.'
His guest-list arrived that afternoon, with the infuriating request that we do the invit- ing in his name. 'String of dried fish,' said Debbie, reading the list of pompous desic- cated kill-joys with whom the Bus Conduc- tor hoped to curry favour, or repay cheaply.
`Surprising he hasn't invited God Him- self,' she added, 'Too frightened, I s'pose.'
Nearly all my ideas come from others; it's mainly a matter of recognition. 'How well do you know the Chief Executive's PA?'
She pulled a face. 'I can be nice if I have to.'
The Chief Executive is afflicted by occa- sional egalitarian urges which cause him to spoil parties by coming along and pretend- ing to be one of us. I instructed Debbie carefully.
Later I called the Bus Conductor 'the Chief Exec. has said he wants to come to our party. Feels he ought to get to know the troops. Thought you might be interested.'
Any mention of the Chief Exec. makes our dear Line Manager look as if he's about to make a puddle beneath his desk. Fear and ambition struggled behind the aquarium. Ten minutes later he rang: 'In view of the heightened level of attendance at the forthcoming seasonal function, ha- ha, it would seem more appropriate for the venue to be changed to my own office.'
I set Debbie to ring round our real guests telling them that the real party was still in our place, starting after the other and please to keep quiet about it, ha-ha.
`Well, I say size is important.'
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