Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Am fed up. It simply cannot be the case that everyone smoked cannabis at school. They're clearly all just saying it to suck up to Dave. Head office unbearable. I've had it up to here with Moroccan black, red seal and 'Maui wowie'. Well, I'm not going to lie. I have never smoked marijuana. There — I've said it! The taboo has been shattered.
Found out this afternoon I don't have clearance for Operation Mary Jane meetings but Poppy and Wonky Tom do. Stopped Jed outside Tranquillity Room and asked him straight out: 'Is it because I've not smoked cannabis?' Jed said: 'No way, man, you're cool with us, daddy-o. It's just there aren't enough chairs.' Harrumph. It so totally is because I haven't smoked cannabis. I bet poor old Dame Patrick never smoked it either, now he's been deselected.
TUESDAY Spent morning standing on a battered old soap box marked 'Plan B' with my nose pressed against the little window in the conference-room door. Saw 'The Three Stages of Revelations' written on the whiteboard. Eton, Oxford and 'T'. Could hear Jed complaining about how long it had taken people to get to stage one, and I think they were discussing leaking stage two to get it over with, but then someone spotted the top of my head and I had to run. Am going to put an end to this. If you can't beat 'em....
It's all arranged. Tom's going to take me to Brixton to buy some you-know-what. Am so excited. It's like the missing piece of my adult development is finally falling into place. Luckily it's all legal now — thanks to this rotten Labour government!
WEDNESDAY Mission accomplished! Talk about 'Be The Change'! Must say I feel a bit odd. I didn't enjoy it that much but I don't think I put enough in. Might have another go later....
Had a quick rollie in the loo. Bit of a headache. Why is everyone looking at me funny? Poppy's always hated me ... Actually I feel fantastic. Why have I not been doing this all my life? It seems to me that what this place needs is a bit of honesty so I've told Mr Letwin his jokes aren't funny and informed Mr Maude I have to shred 1,000 letters a week from members begging Dave to get rid of him He looked quite moved. Mr Redwood also came by so I was able to confront him about the fact that his head screws on and off. He said it didn't, but then it started spinning and I gave it a bit of a pull and it did come off!
Also, I've taken this opportunity to tell Jed that I love him and I want to have his babies. Going home now because it's three o'clock and past my bedtime. Weeeeeee! Actually, I might just leave my policy proposal with Jed before I go. You see, cannabis smoked today is up to 20 times stronger than when Dave was a teenager because people are using intensive indoor cultivation rather than allowing the plant to grow naturally outdoors. So surely the answer to our current troubles is an organic 'slow cannabis' campaign?
THURSDAY Gah. Did I really do what I think I did yesterday? Vaguely remember singing 'She's got David Davis Eyes' to Poppy. Well, whatever I did, it's made me popular. Jed says the policy proposal I put on his desk is smart as hell and duly adopted! Trippy, man!
tamzin.lightwater@spectatmco.uk
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