YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I have an old friend who has always been rather competitive with me. Just recently he has annoyed me by apologising too much about the fact that he cannot attend a drinks party I am giving. I wish now I could have thought of an appropriate put-down in response to his excessive excuses, with their clear implication that the party will be a disaster without his presence. What should I have said, Mary?
Name and address withheld A. You could have punished him by saying mildly, 'Oh don't worry about it at all. I'm only working off crashing bores, so you won't be missing much.'
Q. How much vodka do people actually need?
MW, Wilts A. Vodka drinkers, especially if they are young, seem to need one eighth of a bottle per drink. You therefore need one whole bottle for every four people you are enter- taining before they go through to dinner.
Q. Recently, at a funeral, I was seated next to someone who is in a position to offer me a rather good job. I was unable to decipher from his body language and general demeanour whether his attitude towards me was less friendly than usual because of the circumstances, or because he had revised his opinion of me. What anodyne remark might I have employed in order to determine a correct diagnosis?
Name and address withheld A. None. In general terms it is best, at a funeral, to limit your social overtures to an absolute minimum. You should simply wear a bleak and distant expression throughout so as to give no scope to the sort of difficulties you mention.
Q. The house we purchased included in its contents a powerful and energy-consuming tumble-dryer. Abhorring waste on principle and being an environmentalist seeking to prevent the unnecessary use of precious fossil fuel, I see no point in putting wet laundry into the tumble-dryer for hours on end when we have radiators which do the job in the same amount of time. My hus- band, who seems to be profligate on princi- ple in the same manner that I am frugal, objects to clothing draped over radiators and sheets over bedroom doors, and accus- es me of behaving like a peasant in the Third World, or being proletarian. Pointing out to him that peasants in the Third World do not have radiators and that any sensible person, irrespective of class and without a constant stream of guests or visitors to impress, would do exactly the same, leaves him unmoved. Since I do not pay the bills and he does not mind a higher electricity bill, he feels I should just fall in with his wishes. Your advice, please, on this seem- ingly trivial domestic disagreement.
C.B., Kew, Surrey A. Since money is no object, buy a green- house specifically for the purpose of clothes-drying. Fit it up with 'lazy Susans' and the like and paraffin heaters for winter. This will offer you an even better opportu- nity to display your green consciousness.
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