Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY This Aitken business is all v confusing. Has led to heated debates about some extremely oddsounding things that happened ten years ago. I thought Mr Blair invented 'sleaze! But it seems there were all sorts of shocking goings-on in the 1990s under poor Mr Major. Poppy knows all about them, of course, and thinks it terribly amusing that I don't. Well, excuse me if I wasn't reading Parliament Today under the duvet in my chalet in Switzerland when I was 18! I guess I just had too much fun to be getting on with — not to mention upmarket catering. (It's not easy helping large groups of people to burn their own fondue, you know).
It was hardly surprising that I embarrassed myself this morning by asking who Piers Merchant was. Nigel was quite sweet about it. Looked at me in fatherly way and said: 'Honestly, Lightwater. You're like a young Teresa Gorman sometimes.' Obviously, I couldn't ask who Teresa Gorman was, but I hope it's someone nice.
TUESDAY DD getting v excited about his 'third scalp'. Keeps ringing up to ask when Dave's going to let the hunter see the tigress'. Don't know what he's planning to do to the Home Secretary but it sounds jolly exciting!
Spent afternoon playing 'Fantasy Sleaze Cabinet'. Wonky Tom came up with most of it and wrote it all on the Ideas Whiteboard. Lord Archer to be put in charge of Standards Commission; Tim Yeo and Steve Norris to look into family breakdown; Neil and Christine Hamilton to head up Retail and Hotel Sector Taskforce. I tried to join in by suggesting John Gummer as Chair of Food Safety Commission, but apparently he's already doing that Poppy got biggest laugh by saying John Redwood should chair Space Travel Policy. Which I don't think is funny at all. Too obvious.
They were all laughing their heads off until Jed came back from daily 'thought-showering' session with Gary — they're actually just arguing about which of them controls what, but it's nice to give these things a grown-up name. Tom and Pops didn't look so pleased with themselves when Jed found them scribbling on his whiteboard. Especially as they pressed too hard with the pen. He hates that.
WEDNESDAY Mr Hague in a real tizzy over his EU treaty gaffe. He's been dying to cave into the Swivel Eyes for ages and now he's done it he's beside himself. Lot of: 'Oh, what have I done now, silly me?' to be heard in the Judo changing room.
We argued — sorry, 'thought-showered' — for an hour before Jed decided that Mr H will have to go back to full-time after-dinner speaking. It's the only way we can stop him talking about things that are important.
Have heap of work to do. Wednesdays are Dave's `me time', and we all have to make sure everything's done so he can be home for afternoon tea and crumpets. It's part of party policy on work-life balance which, understandably, only means something if Dave does it himself. He says we're not to worry about it doing it ourselves, and should stay at work, which is nice of him.
THURSDAY Oh dear. Wonky Tom was standing on a chair, waving his umbrella and shouting about 'the simple sword of truth and the trusty shield of British fair play' when Captain Smithy walked into the office with Mr Aitken. Now Smithy says he's suspending the work of his Centre for Fallen Women and Paupers until Tom is courtmarshalled for insubordination. Sometimes I really do doubt his modem and compassionate credentials.
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