How to avoid eating dog
James Hughes-Onslow
PHAIC TAN: SUNSTROKE ON A SHOESTRING by Santo Cilautro, Tom Gleisner and Rob Sitch Quadrille, £8.99, pp. 252, ISBN 184400239X ✆ £7.19 (plus £2.45 p&p) 0870 429 6655 It’s the great holiday disasters one tends to remember with fondness, not those interludes of tranquillity where everything goes precisely according to plan. This is probably why serious travel guides are almost entirely unreadable, even when you really are searching for enlightenment. This book and its predecessor, Molvania: A Land Untouched by Modern Dentistry, have gained a cult following in Australia where they were written. Phaic Tan does for south-east Asia what Molvania did for the emerging states of Eastern Europe. Bookshops may have difficulty deciding whether to put it in their travel or humour section because it’s a combination of the Rough Guide and the Hitchhiker’s Guide. It’s a compendium of ghastly traveller’s tales, many of which ring horribly true, all of them very funny.
Phaic Tan’s team of experts include Tina, for the cautious traveller, Sven, the budget traveller, Jonathan, for luxury travel, and Phillippe who has more wideranging responsibilities searching for genuine travel experiences, each with helpful advice in boxes.
‘When will well-heeled tourists learn?’ writes Philippe. ‘Food served in five-star hotel restaurants is a bland, watered down version of local cuisine, completely devoid of the spices and internal parasites that make Phaic Tanese food so exciting. Keep your starched white linen and mild curries — give me the risk of amoebic dysentery any day!’ Philippe adds, ‘I groan every time I hear a western tourist telling war stories about food poisoning and related gastric disorders. Frankly, if you haven’t been medi-vacced out by Médecins Sans Frontières (and I have), then you’ve never really been sick.’ The book is rich with advice on restaurants. ‘Many western visitors to Phaic Tan are terrified of the possibility that they may — even accidentally — end up eating dog. A good test when served any roast meat is to look closely at the animal’s head. While pigs and goats traditionally have an apple stuffed in their mouth, dogs tend to be cooked holding a tennis ball.’ And there are travel tips: ‘Fares on buses in Bumpattabumpah are often calculated, not on distance, but on how much of the seat you are taking up. Inspectors armed with calipers and tape measures regularly patrol. Remember also, when riding any form of public transport in Bumpattabumpah, to give up your seat to the elderly, infirm or anyone carrying a gun.’ But beware: ticket machines require you to haggle: ‘The machine will demand 100p. Press the button marked 20p. The machine will counter-offer somewhere between 6080p. Lift your offer to 40p. If it sticks to 70p or above, pretend to walk away or try your luck with another machine.’ If you have this book about your person next time you are on an overcrowded train, in a sweltering traffic jam or a smelly hotel room, it may be of some comfort in putting things in perspective. This is much more use than a real travel guide and sometimes rather closer to reality.
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