The Twelve Days of Christmas

For the usual prizes competitors were asked to submit a blatantly modern version—political, social, literary, musical, or what you will—of the Twelve Days of Christmas. '

One of the competitors in this contest opined that I should get a lot of fun out 'of reading the entries. So 'I did ; but not quite, perhaps, as much as I expected. I cannot complain of a lack of variety. G. J. Blundell was competent, as always, with wireless as his theme ; Nancy Gunter with cosmetics; Cordelia Mundahl with dishwashing ; Ceano- t ws with flowers ; and Mrs. M. Johns sent a love-tragedy. I liked, too, G. D. Heath's

McCarthy sent to me . . . One ex-President on a bent knee."

It was remarkable how few of the com- petitors produced a version of the Twelve Days which could be sung without discom- fort to the traditional air. That, I should have thought, was a sine qua non.

I was a little disappointed, too, that so few competitors tried to echo the original, which would have given additional point to t le modernity.

A prize of £1 each should, in my judgment, go to M. Pamela Ross, for the most complete coverage of the modern scene ; Probo, for a good political entry ; Granville Garley, who is satisfactorily " blatantly modern " ; Mrs. Moira Annand, whose twelve days of illness I have assumed to take place during the twelve days of Christmas ; and Ross and Joss Skelton, to whose entry their mother has added this note : Originally begun by me, Christine Skelton, but completely taken out of my hands and re-written, entirely differently, by my two sons, Ross (124) and Joss (41), and they insisted on their effort being sent in—so here it is.

I hope the other competitors will forgive my partiality for this stout effort, and not complain too bitterly that there is nothing ' blatantly modern " about it.

PRIZES

(M. PAMELA ROSS) On the twelfth day of Christmas

My true love sent to me Twelve spivs a-fiddling, Eleven atoms splitting, Ten saucers flying, Nine bucks a-passing, Eight viewers peering, Seven housewives queueing, Six frogmen swimming, Five forged jaws ; Four wailing crooners, Three smog masks, Two pairs of nylons And a codfish from Iceland's sea.

(mono) The Twelfth day of Congress

My Tru man brought his best—

Twelve Reds a-leaking, Eleven Whites resigning, Ten pumpkins peaching, Nine days' wonder, Eight Chambers hissing, Seven Hoovers sweeping, Six Committees screening, Five spy rings ; Four Comm terns, Three telegrams, Two Picasso doves and A stool pigeon in a mare's nest.

(GRANVILLE °ARLEY)

The twelfth day of Christmas My true love sent to me Twelve Searles a-sketching,

Eleven Winns a-winning, Ten Dales a-diarying, Nine pots a-boiling, Eight blurbs a-burbling, Seven cliches clanging, Six critics carping, Five low brows ; Four best sellers, Three film rights, Two translations and A Kinsey up a gum tree.

\ (MRS. MOIRA ANNAND)

(Twelve .Days of Ilhtess—tunder National Health)

The Twelfth day of illness

My doctor treated me For twelve nerves a-tingling, Eleven glands a-swelling, Ten toes a-twitching, Nine veins a-knotting, Eight boils a-pricking, Seven joints a-stiffening, Six spots a-tickling, Five old stings ; Four broken bones, Three slipped discs, Two aching feet, and

A threatening of housemaid's knee.

(ROSS AND JOSS SKELTON)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, My true love sent to me Twelve crabs a-crawling, Eleven winkles winking, Ten salmon spawning, Nine flatties flapping, Eight gaffers gaffing, Seven sharks a-swimming, Six whales a-blowing, Five fat seals ; Four herring gulls, Three dog fish, Two darting shrimps, and A lobster in a blue shell 1