Second opinion
THE more I see of Man, the more I admire dog-owners. It seems to me that the relationship between man and dog offers hope of a better world. If only the non-dog-owners would learn from the example of man's best friend and his master.
Last week, for example, I went to the vet with my little Ramses, who had hurt his hind legs, poor fellow, and we were returning to the vet's for a check-up. How well everyone behaved in the wait- ing-room! If the lion did not lie down with the lamb exactly, the cat certainly lay down with the dog. Admittedly, the former was generally in a cage, an inno- vation which could usefully be adopted into medical practice for a number of patients I know. Cages would come in very handy in our emergency depart- ment, for example, and cut down consid- erably the number of unpleasant incidents occurring there. Personally, I favour cages for all male patients between the ages of 16 and 30 who attend the department on Friday and Saturday nights.
The animal patients behaved with a quiet dignity, quite unlike their human counterparts. Even their owners were pleasant and cheerful: I suspect that this was not only because of the good exam- ple displayed by their pets, but because they had to pay for the vet's services. I very much doubt that vets receive as much abuse from their clientele as doc- tors, and they are probably even bitten with less frequency.
When I compare the vet's surgery with, say, the paediatric or geriatric wards of my hospital, it is perfectly clear that the British vastly prefer their pets to their children or grandparents, and look after them very much better. Had Mac- beth been alive today, he would have enjoined Lady Macbeth not to 'bring forth men-children only', but 'fox terri- ers, or Persian blues, only'.
I've never seen a British doctor's surgery in which an artist has advertised portraits of children for parents, but no vet's surgery is complete without such an advertisement for portraits of pets.
There is a pet loss counselling service and a helpline for those whose animals have been poisoned. And services for animals are so much better organised than those for old people: call Bridget for bathing, grooming or exercising your pet, trimming nails or claws, or simply for extra Tender Loving Care. By contrast, try getting chiropody for old people.
Now that we have entered the age of euthanasia, we doctors can learn a thing or two from the vets. For example, in the surgery to which I took my little Ramses, there was the following notice:
Clients may like to know that all pets that have died, or been put to sleep, in this surgery are cremated by Animal Under- takers in the beauty of the — shire coun- tryside.
An individual cremation service is avail- able, where owners can have their pets' ashes returned to them in a pottery urn, together with a certificate of cremation.
How comforting this would be for British grandchildren (if not for British grandmothers), as they took their elderly relatives to see the doctor. Mind you, I doubt there would be much call for the individual cremation service, what with the price of Nike trainers, mountain bikes and so forth.
Theodore Dalrymple
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