YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary'..
Q. My father has recently caused me great potential embarrassment at school (to which I return this week) by writing a letter to you in which he implied that I believe that a large bear, which I have owned for many years, has human feelings. Even the information that I own such a stuffed toy will cause some derision amongst my peers. That I should believe it has such sensitivi- ties will make me a laughing stock. What can I do, Mary?
Archie Bland (13), Hampshire PS. My father even got his name wrong.
A. Do not underestimate the social advan- tages your father has subtly conferred upon you, even if mistakenly. From John Betjeman to Sebastian Flyte there has been a long and noble tradition of Englishmen believing their bears to be alive. Were it not an admirable trait, there would not have been the spate of copycat teddy-carriers in Oxford and Cambridge responding to the early Eighties telly ver- sion of Brideshead. More to the point, believing your teddy is alive will help you to get girls in later life, so it may well be in your interest to confirm the details of your father's letter if pressed.
Q. I work at home. This makes me some- thing of a sitting target for my neighbour, a kind but lonely soul, who uses what pretexts she can to come up the lane and see me during the day. I always invite her in but she always refuses — on the grounds that I must be busy. This is invariably true. How- ever, instead of going away, she forces me to stand on the doorstep, often in the teeth of a howling gale, for up to ten minutes at a time. I would far prefer that she came in than made me catch pneumonia. How can I force her in without being rude?
P.B., Abersoch A. Install some seating arrangements just inside your front door. When your neigh- bour calls, stare fixedly into her eyes as you sink into one chair, smiling and nod- ding as you pat the other one. Once she has conceded that point it should not be so difficult to coax her further in towards the Aga.
Q. I find myself becoming increasingly irri- tated when waiting at a zebra crossing for an old lady to make her way slowly across. How can I control myself, Mary?
S.B., London SW3 A. Imagine to yourself that the lady con- cerned is none other than Her Majesty the Queen or, if age appropriate, Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother. You will then be able to wait with far more respect, even to welcome these hold-ups. You will feel honoured to be able to observe at such close quarters every detail of the clothing, facial expression and deport- ment of the lady as she makes her stately progress across.
Mary Killen
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