AFTERTHOUGHT
The flagrant weed
JOHN WELLS
Thick mystery still surrounds the escape of the Giant Hogweed from its bed in Kew Gardens. It now seems likely that the easily recognisable bulbous wort eluded its keepers under cover of darkness almost a month ago, and lay 'doggo' until its recent extraordinary eruption into the public consciousness. What is certain is that the Hogweed is now very firmly established, particularly in riverside Westminster, and both experts and laymen are waiting in some trepidation for its next predictably unpredictable outburst. And those who know it well know that such an outburst cannot be long in coming.
The Hogweed, as its name implies, is rather heavy and florid in appearance, and can grow to a height of nearly three feet. It is thick about the trunk, and is covered in fluffy hair which gives it a deceptively 'cuddly' appearance. Its touch, however, can be deadly. Many a city-dweller, finding him- self temporary embarrassed in the country, has attempted to make use of it to perform some personal service, and been very badly stung. But the real menace of the Giant Hogweed is its capacity to spread almost invisibly and imperceptibly—even to those who claim they can detect the 'straws' in the wind—so that others of its kind pop up suddenly, and with devastating impact, in the most unexpected places.
All the recent evidence suggests that this spread may have been more extensive and more rapid than was at first thought. There are also fears that mutations may be taking place, which although foreseen and described in some detail by the experts, are none the less disquieting. The case, for instance, of the undergraduates at Cambridge who were struck down by a 'sinister bug' which may have deprived them of the use of their facul- ties for as much as eighteen months, and even caused serious brain damage: it does not seem fanciful to suspect the presence of a member of the Hogweed family.
Similarly the warnings by Asian and Afri- can authorities that certain goods exported by this country may prove lethal to anyone who comes in contact with them, and the rapidly deteriorating condition of those coloured immigrants suffering from what they call 'an extreme form of the blues'. In each case the shadow of the Hogweed falls unmistakably across the picture. Even in Northern Ireland there are signs that the ,sufferings of the embattled factions are being exacerbated by a 'mysterious hardening dis- ease' believed to have originated in England: even in the relatively harmless instances of children suffering from a mild but weird paralysis that prevents them from going to their comprehensive schools.
Seen in its favourite surroundings, beside running water or even actually rooted in the river bed, the pale greenish `goose-pimples' lifting the hair-like spines into their erect position, the whole bulbous trunk swaying gracefully in the breeze as the) water laps at the bracts, the Hogweed could be mistaken for an elephantine stick of rhubarb. Flies settle on it with impunity, and from time to time a bemused moth will flutter out of it and zigzag silently away across the sunlight. Yet even without coming into contact with the Green Giant it is possible to suffer injury. At certain apparently arbitrary times the Hogweed suddenly becomes distended, usu- ally changing colour to a deep plum or maroon, and emitting a curious hissing sound. In some cases this is accompanied by 'weeping', when a quantity of colourless liquid is secreted, or 'raving', when the whole Weed trembles violently and threatens to break free from its roots or even fall over. It is in these crises, experts believe, that the Hogweed spreads itself, and a close study of what actually 'goes on' at such times could well reveal the secret of the Weed's poison and spreading techniques.
It seems, from research so far carried out, to be a kind of vegetable 'rage', some- times induced by fear and acting as a kind of defence mechanism, and sometimes in- duced by nothing at all. This rage requires some object on which it may vent itself, and a casual passer-by would in this way become the victim of what is basically a natural process. To those who have been stung such a discovery will be scant comfort, as will proof of the botanical 'innocence' of the Giant Hogweed: and to the public at large it will remain Old Horror.
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