COMPETITION

Soccerspeak

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2042 you were invited to provide a parody of either a World Cup television commentary or a `pundits" post-mortem (imaginary match).

`If that tackle had been successful it would have gone down in world football history' . . . 'His left boot makes contact, it's hard, it's clean, it's true, but it's missed by a mile — or do I mean kilometre, Brian?' . . . 'In case you're wondering back home, those patterns on his boots were chosen by his psychic medium' . . . 'At this rate, I shouldn't be surprised if they ham- mer them nil-nil. . . . ' No prizes for guess- ing (not easy) which two of those quotes come from the recent World Cup commen- tary, and which two from your entries.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bottle of The Macallan The Malt Scotch whisky goes to Sue Hay, one of the very few women who ventured on to the park.

Baz: Well, Gaz, this game is all about football, and this semi-final could turn out to be the most important game of the tournament so far. Gaz: Yes, there are no easy games left to play, Baz.

Baz: These are two national teams, and neither of them will want to lose.

Gaz: But neither of them knows how it will pan out, and neither will want to concede any goals. Baz: Nothing would surprise me, but I'd be sur- prised if the star striker doesn't surprise us.

Gaz: Specially if he gets a shot.

Baz: With his right foot.

Gaz: Or his left.

Baz: Well, my guess is they won't want a repeat of that red-card incident.

Gaz: Absolutely. With only ten men, that'll leave

them one short.

Baz: So what's the betting there'll be some tired legs on this pitch tonight?

Gaz: On both sides, I shouldn't wonder.

(Sue Hay) Half-time: England 2, Germany nil In the studio with Dan Lineman, David Redcard and Alan Tackle: 'A magical first half, Alan.'

'Brulliant! I's got everythin' — goals, passin', defendin', attackin'. Wonderful! But if Germany want to win they're going to have to score some goals.'

`Indeed, David, what about Michael Omen? A star is born?'

'I've never seen anything like it, Dan! He's fast, he's quick and he's got real pace.'

`England had a number of chances at goal, Alan.'

'They were like a plague in the box, but that German goalkeeper was pure penicillin.'

Full time: England 2, Germany 6.

Post-match interview with Glynn Hobble: 'Well, Glynn, Spunky's red card left you with- out a keeper and obviously destroyed your chances.'

'I don't think this is the time to look for escaped goats, John, but the referee's decision was terrible.' (Clive Thomas Hughes) Dinky: I've never seen anything like it! Outrage- ous skills from Greenland, but they're 1-nil down. Funny old game, football, isn't it? They need to go Route One now and score some goals. That's what defenders don't like, having goals scored against them.

Savvy: India are asking all the questions and Greenland don't seem to know where the goal is. They've got to bring on the young Eskimo lad, because his nose points the right way, that's for sure.

Boffy: Look, modern football is all about know- ing when to squeeze and when to stretch. India have squeezed it, they've stretched it, and they're bringing home the bacon. I'd bet my mortgage they'll get a result, unless of course Greenland can find some questions to ask. Buffy: Like, where is the goal? But seriously, it's been a great . . .

Chorus: . . . advertisement for football!

Buffy: And that's . .

Chorus: . . . the bottom line!

Buffy: Well done, lads. (Gordon Gwilliams) — Terry?

— The boys are playing their socks off. When all's said and done, that wasn't a red card, it was a fair tackle at the end of the day. If Versace gets a medal it'll be for diving. And Prozac! Was he going for the ball or GBH? You expect a level playing field but they're shifting the goal- posts; lucky we've a tight rear four and a solid midfield, while they're very naive at the back.

— Johnny?

— It's ten play twelve; them and the ref. When he never saw Clinic's high boot in the box I was gutted. Gutted. But the squad've kept their eyes down, their heads up, and the fans — what can I say?

— Final score?

— I hate predicting, specially the future, but they got to find the back of the net.

—Thanks. Second half coming up, everything still to play for. It's Luxembourg 4, England nil.

(John Phillips) Bull flicks the ball to Watson. Watson down the line towards the corner post. Going like a Derby winner — except, of course, that he's only got two legs. He's passed one Ruritanian, but Martin tries to tackle him, but can't stop Watson's onward march. My word, what a player this young man is! Living is the only thing he's known. So far. Kreb challenges, but Watson swerves. He's middled the ball to Spenser. Oh, that was so unlucky, that was so unlucky. Spenser was going for the ball with his head and Oozoobov from Dynamo Strelsau collided with him and now Spenser's on the ground. Play's going on, though. How can the referee have missed that? How can the Finnish referee have missed it? Watson again. Unknown last season. Ah, Spenser's up again, shaking his head. Came from nowhere, Watson. Born in Birmingham.