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COMPETITION

The long of the short

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1872 you were invited to supply a highly emotional tele- gram on a subject of little importance.

Among the telegraphic masterpieces of fiction (there are several in Wodehouse, and a fine one from Jellings at Tankerton Hall to the Duke of Dorset in Zuleika Dob- son, as one of you pointed out) my favour- ite is the 124-word one in Memento Mori, sent, late at night from Leicester Square post office for less than £3, by the septua- genarian Percy Mannering to Guy Leet on the subject of Ernest Dowson, ending:

. . . ETCE1ERA STOP READ IT ALOUD MAN YOUR CHEAP ALLITERATIVE JIBE CARRIES NO WEIGHT YOU ARE FANTASTICALLY WRONG.

Commendations to Mike Morrison and J.C. Lamb, whose telegram, based on a true incident, ended: AS FOR YOUR PUNCTU- ATIONAL PARSIMONY COMMA I WAS BORN HYPHENATED COMMA AND AS LONG AS THERE IS A COLON IN COLONIAL MILLINGTON HYPHEN DRAKE I SHALL DAMN WELL REMAIN STOP. The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky is Peter Norman's.

REFERENCE LITTLE BUSTARD SIGHTING REPORTED YOUR LAST ISSUE STOP FRANKLY POPPYCOCK STOP SALISBURY PLAIN THOUSANDS MILES FROM BREEDING RANGE STOP LIKELY EXPLANATION GREAT BUSTARD VIEWED WRONG END BINOCULAR EQUIPMENT OR COMMON PARTRIDGE STOP SUS- PECT GROSS WISHFUL THINKING OR DELIBERATE DECEIT STOP ORNITHOLOGICAL ORGAN YOUR STANDING SHOULD KNOW BETTER STOP WILL CAN- CEL SUBSCRIPTION UNLESS FULL RETRACTION OR IMMEDIATE RECOGNITION ROCKHOPPER PENGUIN SIGHTING PORTLAND BILL REPORTED MONTHS AGO NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED STOP OUTRAGEOUS EXAMPLE DOUBLE STANDARD STOP THIS KIND

THING MUST STOP STOP (Peter Norman)

IMPERATIVE YOU RETURN IMMEDIATELY STOP MONDAY ONLY POSSIBLE DAY POLISH CHURCH BRASS BEFORE BISHOPS VISIT STOP TUESDAY FLORA HAS MAN COMING ABOUT FUNNY NOISE IN ATTIC STOP MRS SHEEPSKIN COAT CHANGED FLOWER ARRANGING DAY TO WEDNESDAY BECAUSE UNWILLING SHARE LIFT WITH HENRY STOP DONT NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT BETTY DOES ON THURSDAY STOP FRIDAY ELVIRA SHOWING GREAT DANE AT CRUETS ASKS PRAYERS TO SAINT BERNARD BUT MAYBE WRONG DOG SAINT FRANCIS BETTER STOP IF IM LATE FIND KEY BEHIND ALDER- MAN POTTLEBYS TOMBSTONE STOP YOUR TURN BRING BRASSO AND OLD NEWSPAPER STOP PLEASE NOT GUARDIAN STOP REGARDS PENELOPE

(Dominica Roberts)

SURPRISE VISIT CANCELLED STOP NOT ARRIVING TODAY THREE OCLOCK STOP APOLOGIES FOR SPRINGING NEWS OF TRIP AND ITS CANCELLATION AT SUCH SHORT NOTICE STOP TRUST YOUR SIMULTANEOUS EXHILARATION AND DISAPPOINT-

MENT WILL NOT DISCOMPOSE YOU UNDULY STOP I CAN ONLY REITERATE MY HEARTFELT COMMISER- ATIONS AND INSIST THAT NO SLIGHT WAS INTEND- ED STOP IT IS MY SINCERE HOPE THAT THIS LATE CHANGE OF PLAN WILL NOT DAMAGE THE HITHER- TO GOOD RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE ENJOYED STOP YOUR FORBEARANCE AND UNDERSTANDING ARE AS CONFIDENTLY ANTICIPATED AS THEY WILL BE TREASURED STOP LET US RESOLVE TO PUT THIS SORRY BUSINESS BEHIND US STOP (Tim Hopkins)

YOU BLOODY IDIOT POOKSTON STOP ARMY CRIMEA BOASTING BASED ON NUMEROUS FALSE- HOODS SEMICOLON FOR INSTANCE ACTUAL NUM- BER NOT SIX HUNDRED ACCORDING TO FACTS STOP GREAT GREAT UNCLE WROTE TO HM QUEEN BUT TENNYSON ALLOWED TO REMAIN LAUREATE EVEN SO STOP YES RODE THE FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE MAY NOT SCAN BUT SO WHAT QUESTION MARK TRUTH MORE IMPORTANT THAN POETRY STOP DAMNFOOL RUSSELL ALSO IN CAHOOTS WITH ARMY COLON QUOTE THIN RED LINE UNQUOTE SHOULD BE LINES PLURAL BECAUSE NEVER LESS THAN 'THREE STOP BATTLE AGAINST RUSSKIS ON LAND THEREFORE LESS DEMANDING THAN NAVAL WARFARE STOP NO WONDER NAVY IS SENIOR SERVICE STOP AM BLACKBALLING YOUR CLUB APPLICATION STOP NOGG HYPHEN WHEELIBYNE BRACKET ADMIRAL COMMA RETIRED UNBRACICET ENDS

(Denis Young)

CHALMERS, MARBELLA BEACH HOTEL GREAT PRIVILEGE LOOK AFTER RANDOM THOUGH AM WORRYINGLY UNCLEAR EXACT PROPORTIONS MEAT BISCUITS HOWEVER PURPOSE THIS WIRE ASCERTAIN YOUR VIEWS CANINE PESTS DEEPLY ANXIOUS IN CASE INFESTATION DO YOU APPROVE FLEA COLLAR UNDERSTAND SOME OWNERS RELUC- TANT HASTEN TO ADD NO BLAME OWNERS SHOULD SMALL GUESTS APPEAR OTHER DOGS HEDGEHOGS EVEN I RATHER FANCY PHEASANTS POSSIBLE SOURCE INFESTATION HOPE HOLIDAY PEACEFUL MUST ADMIT NO SIGN FLEAS YET BUT SCOUTS ALWAYS PREPARED COULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF HANDING RANDOM OVER I FSS THAN WELL FAECES EXCELLENT AT PRESENT MALAGA REPORT- ED VERY HOT HOPE NOT UNPLEASANT PROMISE INSTANT CONTACT IN EVENT DEVELOPMENTS INCI- DENTALLY HAVING TO REPLACE LEAD CLASP TROUBLE FAMILY WELL BUT SLEEPING FITFULLY

HUGO (Paul Griffin)

No. 1875: Right to the top

My son, given a school assignment to write to some authority complaining of bad ser- vice and suggesting improvements, toyed with the idea of addressing a letter to his own brain. An excellent idea. You are invited to compose such a letter. Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 1875' by 30 March.